Last Post of the Year

It ends tonight. 2006 ends tonight.

Saddam Hussein Executed

Turned on my computer today with someone on my msn list with the news of Saddam's execution on their display name. So I quickly went on Google News to check if it really was true, so, clicked on this: http://today.reuters.co.uk/news/articlenews.aspx?type=topNews&storyid=2006-12-30T082755Z_01_KHA021421_RTRUKOT_0_TEXT0.xml&WTmodLoc=SciHealth-R6-MostRead-2

I don't know whether I'm happy or sad that he's dead. On one hand, Saddam killed loads of innocent people and deserves to burn in hell for eternity for that. On the other hand, with putting war criminals on trial, there isn't really justice. After years of brutality, the side that manages to kill enough people to win gets to write history and execute the other side as war criminals.

I suppose I feel rather apathetic towards Saddam's death.

Boxing Day Madness

Ah yes, its Boxing Day again. The day where all the Scrooges emerge from their wallowing pity parties at home and shop their asses off at 7:00 am. In various electronic stores, families are tugging and trudging along, grabbing camcorders, computers, printers, etc, exclaiming at the deals while the kids pull on the him of their parents' jackets for the newest PS game. Meanwhile, long lines form outside clothing stores where crowds of teenage girls wait to get "good deals" on extremely expensive clothes. Of course, how can we forget the camper shoppers; the ones that bring their tents outside Future Shop at 8:00 pm on Christmas instead of spending time with their family and rush in the doors at 7:00 am to make a mad stampede for the stereo aisle.

But in this shopping season, we can't forget about the tsunamis that his southeast Asia two years ago and the lives that were stolen causing families to be ripped apart. While showing off your latest purchases today, think about the misfortunes of the people who today, still haven't gotten their homes rebuilt and be very, very thankful.

Christmas Day

Its finally Christmas. I have come to the conclusion that Christmas is overrated, the same way that I do every year. There's always the hype on Christmas Eve, you know? Like the thought that maybe this year, Christmas would be a good day for once. Of course, I'm disappointed every year as all of my friends are off doing sentimentalish things with their families whereas Christmas isn't a particularly big thing at my house. Instead, my mom has decided to yell at me from morning to about two hours ago about the state of my room and how I never help out around the house and about how selfish and lazy I am. Of course to add to this, I got stood up by a certain BASTARD.

And a very Merry Christmas to you too.

Christmas Eve

Whaddya know? Christmas Eve today and its pouring outside, wind warning and I had to turn on the lights at 1:00 in the afternoon. Strictly its not "Christmas Eve" yet as its still four in the "afternoon" if you can call it that since it looks very eveningish to me at the moment.

Don't really know what to say at this moment. Sort of feeling a mix of disappointment and fatigue. There's so many things in my life that just pass in and out every day and many I don't even realize are a part of my life and suddenly its not there and it just feels weird. Like deep inside you, you knew you had this safety net so if you ever fall, you won't die and now you know its not there. The net has been removed a long time ago and you climbed without knowing that for such a long time and now suddenly you know. Now you suddenly feel like you've forgotten how to climb.

Its just a funny, funny feeling. I've always wondered why people call weird things funny. Like if there's some weirdo passing on the street, you would point and say "that man is acting a bit funny" when really there's nothing comical or laughable about something out of ordinary or weird.

The English language is a funny thing.

Two Days Before Christmas

Once again its December, January seemed like such a long time ago. I looked in my stash of old movie tickets today, I've watched seven movies in theatre this year. So many things have happened before, in between, and after each of the movies that I watched. I didn't even begin writing "Last Summer" back in January. Now I've finished chapter 19 and it seems like I've always been working on the story. Over the last twelve months, so much has happened. I've fallen, stood back up, and fallen again. I've met new people, made new friends, stuck with my old ones, and did a whole bunch of things that I never thought I would do. Now its almost Christmas. Is it really "the most wonderful time of the year"? All I know is that I have a headache right now and the world is a rather unpleasant place at the moment.

Irreplaceable?

I think by now most of us have realized that nothing and nobody is ever irreplaceable. When someone tells you that you'll never be replaced in their lives, its obvious bullshit. Just think back to your best friend in grade 2, how you hung out with them every day and ate your PB&J sandwiches together at lunch. After they moved away, did you bother to stay in touch? To this day, you probably don't even remember what they looked like, let along what the name of the person was. Same with everything else, maybe your computer broke down, yay! You can get a new one that runs faster.

In the same way that you've replaced me, I've replaced you. Go ahead and flirt with all my friends, walk all of them home, pretend to be a gentleman, I don't give a damn.

Christmas Shopping

I'm an absolute scrooge, I hate going to the mall around this time of the year. There are so many people all rushing around with shopping bags loaded with presents and I can barely breathe inside the damn stores because the thermostat is turned up so high and all these people are pushing and shoving while asking loudly for the opinions of their significant others what they should get for Aunt Shirley. Meanwhile, I'm of course trudging along with the crowds trying to figure out what I get for various people while knowing that they'll throw most of the stuff in the back of their closets or exchange the presents in January. On Christmas Day, instead of spending time with family, I'll just get my ass bored off sitting at home and watching the rain fall because it never snows on Christmas and my family never spend Christmas together anyhow since we don't care about the holidays enough to fuss about stuff like this. Besides, we argue like hell whenever we sit together at the same table.

To cheer myself up, I made a list of things I want for Christmas because I am an insensitive and materialistic girl.

• new mp3 player
• hoodies
• "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemmingway
• "Breakfast at Tiffany's and other Stories" by Truman Capote
• "The Fellowship of the Ring" by J. R. R. Tolkein
• "The Two Towers" by J.R.R. Tolkein
• "The Return of the King" by J.R.R. Tolkein
• "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkein
• "The Man" by Oriana Fallaci
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Two-Disc DVD
• gloves
• "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood
• one year subscription to Vogue, Seventeen, or Allure
• Lindt Lindor chocolates
• Rocky Road flavoured ice cream
• new cellphone
• Adobe Photoshop CS 9.0
• Microsoft Office
• Microsoft Front Page

Yes I am greedy, yeah point your fingers at me and call me a pig.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur

Wanna know what it means?

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Latin_proverbs

Haha, if only I know how to pronounce them properly...

Windows Parody

For all of you that feel like throwing a brick at Bill Gates whenever your computer crashes, you might find this amusing:

http://www.hallikainen.org/windoze/winrg.swf

I love the Microsoft Word section.

Happy Halloween

Halloween once again. I haven't gone trick or treating since I was eleven so I'm doing what I do every year since. Sit at home and eat lots of sugary foods. I did dress up though, I was a private school boy, note that I'm not a private school girl because its way too cold to be walking around in a short skirt. Not that I would do actually do that unless I was going somewhere with my close friends, in which case it doesn't really matter what I'm wearing. The surprising thing about this year is that nobody has set off a fire alarm with firecrackers. I was so surprised at the end of the day, I kept waiting for it to happen. I kind of miss having Halloween the way I used to when I was little and it seemed like such a big thing. We would have class parties in elementary school and I would be so bubbly and excited for the entire day and I would keep waiting for the sun to go down so I could go out and get candy. It seems that with every holiday, it becomes less of a big deal as you get older. Christmas used to have the whole Santa Claus, hanging up stockings, the big dinner where all your relatives come over and you get to play with the cousins you don't normally see. Now its just scoffing at the commercialization of every major holiday, dreading the horrid shopping trips for presents, and writhing with agony inside as you get interrogated by various relatives and being forced to make conversation with cousins that have nothing in common with you. Same with Easter. No more hope that the Easter bunny will come and give you chocolate or having Easter Egg hunts. The only exception might be Valentine's Day. It becomes a bigger deal as you get older. You find yourself hoping you might have a secret admirer out there with roses and chocolates for you when you see all the "happy happy" couples out there celebrating (some celebrating with more PDA than necessary), but that's a load of complaining about my crappy love life that could be saved for another day's blogging.

Happy Halloween!

A Not Very Exciting Existance

Do you ever get that feeling that you really have no life? At times when this person's on a date, the others have their one million and one extra curriculars and you're sitting at home with a Math textbook in front of you trying to study your ass off and convince yourself that you do in fact have a life: a math nerd existance. Except of course, you're actually borderlining failing because you just don't understand math and you don't even like the stupid subject except its one of those basic subjects that everyone has to take to get into a somewhat decent college. To top that, your love life sucks. All the guys that you have a non-platonic relationship with turn out to be jerks. And of course, your friend decides to babble on about her boyfriend 24/7 and whatever comes out of her mouth is about said boyfriend and how wonderful and sweet he is and you feel that if she says his goddamned name one more time, you'll let out an inhuman scream and bash someone's head against the wall. Apparently, she doesn't care how miserable you feel about your recent...heartbreak or she lacks the sensitivity to care. And finally, your latest fanfiction chapter gets 6 reviews. The chapter is 6700+ words long and you spent about three long weeks on it since you're so overloaded with homework.

Blah.

Thanksgiving Long Weekend

Its Thanksgiving once again, the holiday of turkeys and families. We don't really do the turkey thing in my family so its pretty much like every other normal day of the year, except I get the day off and that makes me happy. I'm in a relatively good mood right now so I might as well talk (type) about all the things I'm thankful for. Since you don't realize how important something is until its gone and I feel somewhat happy at the moment, I'm thankful for all the things that I have. Not just materialistic things, but things like family, friends, and the fact that I can sit here and type these horribly phrased words and not get bombed by the government accusing me of spreading lies or something. Its pretty horrible of me to base what I'm thankful for on other people's misfortunes but come on, I mean its true. I'm glad that I have a roof over my head, I'm not in some war ridden country where women have no freedom, I'm not in a coma in some hospital, I'm not paralysed from the neck down or anything. Sure I want more in life, I'm not happy with parts of it, but hey, compared to a big chunk of the world, I'm living a luxurious life, and for that I'm extremely thankful.

A Whole Bunch Of Things That Make No Sense

When everything seems to swirl and you're absolutely sure you haven't taken drugs or consumed any alcohol, you know that something's wrong. Just what is the foothold that you stand on when you climb the big mountain of life? No matter which way you step, no niche in the rocks will ever feel comfortable for your feet. No matter how strong the rocks look, its always crumbled by what people seem to see as the weakest elements; water, wind, sand. I suppose over the years I've learned that pleasing people isn't going to make me happy. As humans, its impossible to become satisfied and you'll always demand more. I guess I always hold back just a little so there's always space to back out of relationships, don't get too attatched. But sometimes, it seems like there are some threads that are impossible to sever. What I've wanted all along still hasn't changed no matter what I tell myself.

I love to hate desire.

No, that doesn't make sense, does it?

No, I don't give a damn.

Yes, that's a double negative statement, grammatically in correct.

I will stop rambling now.

SIRC Guide to Flirting

While you're sitting around twiddling your thumbs wondering if he's really flirting with you or how to improve your flirting skills, why not check this guide out:

http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

I always laugh when I read these things. Its so funny to see these things put in 'professional lingo'.

Light a Candle

Okay, I got this site from an email:

http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

Normally, I don't pay too much attention to emails that are being forwarded or the ones that tell you to go take some personality quiz because forwarded emails usually mean chain letters, which can be fun to read when you're seriously bored, but otherwise, a pathetic waste of time. But this time, I visited the site because I think its really a good cause. Basically, for those of you who are a bit too lazy or afraid to click random links in people's blogs, its a site that's trying to raise awareness about child pornography. Its really sickening how people would actually do this to a children younger than three sometimes. Its bad enough that they're abusing them this way but they have to leave a record of it and post it online for millions of other perverted people to see. These people who are looking at the pictures are abusers too. Just because they weren't there doing anything directly doesn't mean they didn't participate in the act. By looking at the pictures, they become one more person in the world who has seen someone's worse memory without permission, one more scar on their skin. I do know that some of these people who look at porn have a psychological problem and they can't control themselves and they should probably get help, but the thought of a cute little baby being hurt this way disgusts me. Click the link, visit the site. It won't take you any more than five minutes and pass it on to your friends. Make a difference.

He's Just Not That Into You

Intuition, female or male is something that guides us. An inner instinct that we use in everything from whether to cross the street when some creepy guy approaches to how we move our lips when we kiss. But sometimes, it just seems like intuition gets clouded. When you want something badly enough, it seems like your mind creates illusions to humour you. When he sits next to you, you feel like he's sitting just a bit closer than he needs to. When he dances with you, you think he might be holding you just a little closer. When he talks to you, it seems like you're the only person in the world. When he sees you passing by the hallway, he always does something to show that he sees you, and you're special. But as time goes by, you notice that he treats other girls the same way, he never calls or msgs, yet you still cling on. In an almost pathetic sort of way, you replay all the good memories of him you have, all the times he's done something sweet. You find yourself remembering all the conversations you've had with him. Finally, in desperation, you find yourself going after him, but he brushes you off like a piece of lint. You're not important to him, you never were. You were just another girl out of the sea of a million faces. Finally, you take a step back and look at the big picture. Its as if you've been released from chains, shackles. Because now, you've woken up, you've realized that he's just not that into you.

Fanfiction in Wall Street Journal

I saw this link on somebody's blog:

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB115836001321164886-GZsZGW_ngbeAjqwMADJDX2w0frg_20070916.html?mod=tff_main_tff_top

It would be so cool if people actually came out with HP fanfiction books, but I would still prefer reading them for free online.

The Blame Game

Sunday September seventeenth. Its drizzling outside, the sky a depressing shade of grey, weather of winter, me sitting in front of my computer. The weather of course, isn't the only depressing thing that seems to linger in the air. Just last week, a twenty five year old takes three machine guns into Dawson College in Montreal and starts randomly shooting students. One girl was killed and I think nineteen injured in the hospital with three still in critical condition. As usual, when something major like this happens, every newspaper, television station, and radio station drags every specialist they can think of out to talk about why someone might be compelled to do this, have some psychologist talk about emotions, the dangers of violent video games and the goth culture, etc. I suppose I have no right to talk about these things since I'm not a psychologist and I'm not directly affected by this incident, but I'm going to be a big mouth and talk about them anyways. I'm not a goth, I don't have any goth friends, I don't know much about the culture except for the fact that Marilyn Manson wears too much makeup and they sort of have this facisnation with death. On the other hand, I suppose all of us do. After all, every religion answers the question of what happens after you die and most horror movies use death, violent spirits, or haunted places as their central theme. I saw on the newspaper that the guy said that 'Life is like a video game, everyone has to die sometime.' If he were some nobel prize winner and he said that I think people would marvel at his philsophy and wisdom, of course because we know a murderer said this, it brings this chill in your heart. When someone goes out there and shoots twenty odd people for no reason and kills one, can we really blame Grand Theft Auto and Marilyn Manson? Do we ever think about what would really drive someone to do something like that in the first place? As a human, besides our basic needs of food and water, we also have other needs of survival. Things like love, friendship, and companionship. It sounds corny and Hallmark-y but its true. Could you imagine your life without anybody to call when you're bored or have no shoulder to cry on when you really need it? Memories are very complex things and can pop up when we least realize it. It leaves a deeper scar than any physical injury and will never heal completely. We can blame others all we want, but we are the ones to blame. If you've ever put down someone even without words, maybe with your head or with your body language. Maybe you stand further away from someone waiting for the bus with you because he has ragged clothes as opposed to the guy wearing a suit and tie. Maybe you don't want to talk to someone because they're 'uncool'. Maybe you don't want to go out with someone because they're 'not good enough'. Everything builds up over time. I've done most of these things before, I'm not a nice person, I admit that I automatically judge people when I see them, conciously and subconciously. All I'm saying is that we should at least make an effort to prevent creating another person angry at the world, determined to kill themselves in the most violent way possible and taking down as many people as they can along with them.

My greatest condolances to the family of the girl that was killed and I hope all the injured get well soon. Any school, no matter how boring, how difficult, should be safe. Nothing should ever change that.

9/11

Today's the five year anniversary of the terrorist attack. I remember on that day, I was starting level six swimming lessons. I heard that something big happened somewhere in the U.S., but I wasn't really sure what. So after school, I went as usual to the pool and I took a short cut through the shopping mall. Now, there were a whole bunch of stores that were closed because the owner lost friends or relatives in the attack. I didn't even know what happened until I saw on the news that night when every single television station devoted the entire news hour or had some sort of special broadcast that replayed the footage of the planes crashing into the twin towers. You see the big cloud of dust swallowing up people as they run frantically away away from the falling towers on the street. The chaos, screaming, and death. I mean, planes crashing into towers are the thing of movies. On the big screen, we admire the team of special effects people that made the fire, the explosion, the noise so real. When things like this happen, you just think that its not real. But an even worse fate for being killed in the attatck are the people that are left behind. The wives, husbands, childrens, friends of the victims. When the planes crashed into the towers, it left a hole in their hearts and lives that will never be filled. Also, the people living in Afganastan and Iraq. I'm not a specialist on Middle East affairs, but I don't know whether their lives have changed for better or worse after the US invasion. You always hear about suicide bombers, roadside bombing, how many civilians were caught in a crossfire and were killed. I wonder if there will ever be a day where all the events of 9/11 are settled and the dead can truly rest in peace.

Update On My Life

Oh la la, haven't blogged in ages. I've spent most of last week going out with friends. I think I've consumed more ice cream and sugar in the past two weeks than I have in the entire summer combined. It was fun though and suprisingly, I seemed to actually have a life outside my computer for once. Unfortunately, I'm now back in school and I can't seem to settle back in. I'm already counting down to the end of the day, procrastinating (sp?), and I hate my timetable.

Ugh, I miss summer.

Summer's End

Back when I first started volunteering in the beginning of summer, I genuinely hated it. I hated the kids. They wouldn't listen to me, I couldn't get them to listen to me and I just didn't know what to do with them. I didn't know the rest of the volunteers, they all seemed like one big group of friends and I was always the outsider. But as time went on and I got to know everyone better, I actually grew to like volunteering. Its kind of weird, because I used to see it as a job now its more of something I do to have fun. Now its the last day and I feel kind of sad. There's something about summer that let's you go just a bit crazier, do something you've always wanted to do but was too scared to do it. Summer isn't about rigid schedules and commitments. Summer's about freedom and maybe...love. But the most important thing about summer is that there's always a bit of it inside of us, underneath the layers of winter and responsibility. Its always there, always has been, and always will be.

You Can Run But You Can't Hide

http://www.geobytes.com/IpLocator.htm

http://www.checkdomain.com

*scoffs* So much for privacy and internet security.

One Year Of Fanfiction Writing

Whadya know? I just noticed that today, I have officially been a member of HPFF for one year. Of course, I was reading fanfiction for at least a month before that, but it seems so weird that I've done it for a year now. It doesn't feel like that long and I actually haven't read fics at HPFF for awhile. I can't believe I've been a somewhat obsessive HP fan for over a year. I mean, I've always been a fan of the books but it wasn't until after HBP out and I discovered fanfiction that I really began to switch from ordinary fan mode to obessive mode.

Yes, obsession is very unhealthy.

Ah well, might as well say happy birthday to my fanfiction while I'm at it.

The Woes of Technology

Seventy dollars, thirty minutes of installation, hours of virus/spyware scanning later, my computer is now completely clean thanks to Internet Security Suite. Its not protected with firewall, unfortunately, this means that my internet connection is currently three times slower than before and it wasn't that fast to begin with. And I can't sign into my msn messenger account even after adjusting the program settings on firewall.

How I hate technology.

Back To School?!

I just realized that I only have sixteen days of freedom before I am once again enslaved to homework.

This can't be happening! Summer can't be over so quickly, I haven't even done anything exciting yet!

Nooooooooo!

Angry Angry Angry

I need three software programs soon or else I think I'm going to bash my head against my monitor and die from a combination of frustration induced heart disease, anger induced cancer, and bleeding from the head from the head bashing.

I need:

• Some sort of Anti-Virus software
• Adobe Photoshop (legal)
• Microsoft Office

Unfortunately, it will cost me about six hundred dollars combined if I include tax. I don't exactly have that type of money lying down. In fact, I'm flat broke from summer shopping/spending, I was planning to save money by surfing the net as entertainment.

You Tube

Haha, I discovered a new source of online entertainment during the last couple of days at http://www.youtube.com. I love watching the Draco/Hermione fan videos, its so cool how people make it seem like they're smiling at each other when really they're on seperate sides of the room. Though I've seen at least three videos using a GOF DVD "Behind the Scenes" special with Tom Felton and Emma Watson dancing as part of their video clips. Speaking of DVD video clips, there are actually alot of Special Feature clips people have uploaded. I didn't get the GOF DVD yet because I'm waiting for the price to go down...I couldn't resist the temptation of free entertainment. There's also alot of funny home videos people have uploaded online. Too bad my slow internet connection takes like thirty minutes for one video to buffer.

Ramble

Yes, I feel very pissed/depressed right now. Yes, I seem to be feeling like this alot these days. I can feel a headache coming up, I just don't feel like thinking reasonably. I hate logic alot right now, I don't feel like being the person with all the answers or being dependable. Because if I'm one of these, I will always let someone down, someone will always be disappointed in me, someone will always be dissatisfied. The same way I am never satisfied with what I have, the same way I always want something more, something better. No matter what time it is, what happens, I'm never in charge of my life. I'm always obligated to duty, people, morals, rules. I like to see these things on other people. I want the people I can always trust to stay that way, I don't want criminals running loose, at the same time, I want to break free. Its not possible, I know that. I know its not even reasonable for me to want more. I know people starving, dying in Africa should deserve to break free. Children living with abusive parents should deserve to break free. Wives living with abusive husbands deserve to break free. People dying, suffering from deadly illnesses deserve to break free. Not people like me. Not people who haven't done any good for the world or cared very much for people other than ourselves. Perhaps, if I was given the chance to help someone break free, I would give it to someone else that deserves it. In only that could I ever possibly redeem myself for everything that I shouldn't have done and the things that I should have done, but never did. Maybe life is fair. I act like a bitch, people bitch at me. But if I don't do this, people will walk all over me. This goes back to Machivelli's (sp?) theory: Its better to be feared than loved, because people won't oppose a leader out of fear, but there will always be someone not satisfied with a leader they love. I want to be the person everyone loves, but I know that people take advantage of you when you're nice. Sometimes, thinking feels painful. I end up doing more harm than good by trying to figure out my problems. Ignoring them doesn't exactly do a lot of good. My mind feels really cluttered, I just can't get the general feeling of sadness out of myself. I don't think I even deserve to feel sorry for myself. Then what is it that I deserve? Punishment or reward? Most of all, what is it that I want?

Far Away

I'm not even a Nickelback fan, but I really like this song. Haha, I was on http://www.songmeanings.net today and everyone seems to have a sob story that relates to the lyrics of a love song. I don't know if people are making it up or if there are really that many sad people out there. Anyways, the lyrics:


This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

One my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

I hate the music video though, it doesn't even relate to the song.

I Need Anti-Virus

Arghhh, there's some stupid virus on my computer, whenever I use the internet, after about a half an hour, the task bar and Start button disappears, reappears three seconds later with all my windows rearranged in different order. Then, two hours later, the screen will flicker and suddenly it will say that I'm offline, but my internet is still connected and it won't let me disconnect so I can start over. So I have to restart my computer. I tried downloading an anti-virus software this morning and it won't install, I don't know whether its my computer or the crappy software. I would dish out seventy dollars to get Norton Anti-virus, but I'm flat broke. I spent so much money in the past month just going out and shopping. Looks like I'm going to have to beg my parents for money or ask my friends to lend me their anti-virus software. Neither option sounds very appealing at all. At the moment, I really hate my computer and the internet.

The Meaning of Life

Just a few minutes before, my computer decided to crash again and I just flopped down onto my bed in frustration. Twice in two days, I felt like shit. Then I had a sudden thought, is this how my life is? My happiness depending on a machine? What is the meaning of life anyways? To fall in love? To help others? To change the world? Who am I? What do I want? What is my purpose on this planet? Am I causing harm or good? Have I left my imprint on this Earth so that my life has not been lived in vain? Do I have a place in someone's heart that will never be erased? Have I succeeded in my goals yet? Do I even have goals?! Where is my life heading? Will I be able to look back to my life as I feel life draining away from me and honestly say I'm proud of what I accomplished? Have I found my meaning of life?

My head is going to explode.

Evolution

I know this is very nerdy of me, but I always wondered how it must have felt for neanderthals (sp?) when evolution first started. I mean, it might have started off with the baby with the slightly weird chin, then that baby grows up and has a kid with the same chin. At first, the odd chin is shunned from the rest of the clan, then eventually as time goes past, everyone in the clan has the weird chin. But what about the initial fear of the first guy with the weird chin? He must have felt like a freak at first, but eventually the weird chin must have helped him survive. (don't ask me how) while the "normal chin" people died out. So are we still evolving today? You hear of these babies born with weird, almost mutated functions (or perhaps a product from me watching too much X-Men) could it be that they're evolving? Could it be that someday, a new species of humans will walk the Earth and Homo Sapiens Sapiens will become extinct? Will there be archeologists studying our remains and houses? Will my diary be placed into a museum? They'll probably talk about our primitive wedgy alphabet and they'll probably think that braces are some sort of rank distinguishing jewelry and lockers will be coffins and shopping malls will be regarded as palaces. Computers will be some sort of shrine placed in people's homes. I mean, its entirely possible that we think people before us had primitive cultures but maybe they didn't and its just the way we're interpreting it.

Well, what a surprise. The rambling nerd strikes again!

Ikea Furniture

There's always a love/hate relationship between me and Ikea. I always look forward to their catalogues and I love going there to try all the furniture out. The displays always seem to be perfect, all the rooms with different themes. There are warm toned kitchens that I can imagine a mother making pancakes for her sons in the morning while they scramble and wolf down their breakfast before going off to school. There are living rooms where I can imagine a happy couple cuddling, surrounded by glowing candles while its snowing outside. There are bedrooms where I can imagine me sitting there, dreaming of the future, myself, and everything else about life. Theres something about the lighting, or the happy laughing people in the pictures of the catalogue that make me feel almost envious. I want to be laughing with my family in a nicely decorated room. I want my house to have that clean, soft white light they always have in catalogues and air refreshener commericals. It seems so picture perfect, I almost feel like photoshopping myself into one of the Ikea catalogue photos. I suddenly feel very pathetic as I'm jealous of a furniture company's catalogue with names of furniture that I can never pronounce with stores that are simply too easy to get lost in. Sickeningly pathetic.

Pride and Prejudice vs. Ron/Hermione

Just found this fan video. The Pride and Prejudice fan and Ron/Hermione shipper within me begged me to click on the link. I wasn't disappointed. It even features Harry as Mr. Collins and McGonagall as Mrs. Bennet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sge5pUSJIRY

Forums

I've been on a couple of forums and I have accounts in a few places and I've been on the internet for a while, but all this time, I've only been on the popular sites, the popular forums. So today, I decided to have a look at those forums with extremely few members and virtually no hits. I felt kind of sad going through forums with only five members, twenty posts, and the most members they've ever had online was two. I've always liked the idea of starting a forum where I'm the head admin and I have full control over the content of the boards, I set the rules, I can ban people, etc. But now, I don't think I'm ready for something like that. I mean, to start off with, I would need a group of people I trust to be staffers and help moderate. I don't like to go on forums where I discuss things with people I know personally, because that would be somewhat pointless. If I wanted to discuss something with them, I could always call them. So I would have to rely on e-friends. Unfortuantely, I don't know that many people on the internet and I don't want to rely on random strangers to help me. Also, I would probably have to be somewhat familiar with coding systems to help the boards run properly. And there's the biggest issue of them all. In order for a forum to be effective, I would obviously need members. Judging by the number of boards I saw today with less than ten members, I doubt that any forum I create would be a success. *Sigh* maybe someday...

Old Fashioned Chivalry

For some reason, I always find the vision of being able to lean on a guy and cry on his shoulder while he strokes my back very comforting. The vision is always in black and white, I can never see his face, I can only hear his voice. I know that people say chivalry is so old fashioned, annoying, sexist. But sometimes, I find it kind of sweet. I do admit that I'm a bit of a feminist, I believe that females can do anything males can, (With the exception of certain bodily functions of course) but admit it. If you had to pay for a guy's dinner on a date, you would be pissed and wouldn't want to go out with him ever again, right? If a guy paid for your dinner, you wouldn't mind. I think its a really nice feeling sometimes. Just the arm around you, the jacket when you're cold and you can still feel his body heat on the jacket against your skin, letting you go in first when he opens the door. Its almost politeness that I rarely see on some guys. Chivalry is the only way where they won't be afraid to actually act somewhat polite and not be viewed as a wimp. The only chivalrous thing I wouldn't like is the whole hankerchief thing. Thats just gross. Its like offering someone a used tissue. However, I suppose that could be replaced with a pack of tissues. Anyways, I don't think chivalry is dead...at least, I hope not.

My Adventure in the Self Help Section

So the other day I was in Chapters and I walked past the Self Help book section, I was pissed off and felt slightly depressed for no apparent reason other than I couldn't sleep very much for the entire week and was really tired, so I figured, maybe I should read some books "that will help me help myself."I found the book titles really weird, almost no creativity needed. It was good in a way that everything was simple, the book is what the title says it is. Its not like books in any other genre where they have weird titles that have you wondering what they're about. I mean there's all these "How to be Happy," "Ten Steps To a More Successful Life," as I read these titles, I wondered if the authors actually used their own advice. I mean, would they really go and talk to people they hated and resolve the conflict? Its like those advice columns in magazines, the only advice they usually give is for you to talk to the person, but the thing is if the person who needed advice could actually talk to the person, they wouldn't have needed to write for advice in the first place. Sometimes, I wonder if advice is a good thing or a bad thing. Its true that an outsider's perspective could usually give some insight to a problem thats harder for the person in the conflict to realize, but the person giving advice isn't living the life of the person with the problem. Everyone's life has their own set of dramas, which is why I'm very reluctant to give advice to people. I'm always scared that I'll ruin their lives in some way if I give them my crappy advice. So in the end, I didn't end up reading/buying any of the books, (though I did flip through a couple of pages of one of the body language ones and I found it slightly amusing that the way I sat was sending sexual signals all along. However, that was how I discovered the book wasn't accurate as I have a very non-existant love life at the moment.) I went volunteering, excercised alot, and fell dead asleep last night, sleeping at least ten hours in a row.

Sometimes, its best not to overthink problems, the solution for me was simple all along. I just needed to get more excercise and to get out and do something.

More Computer Troubles

My internet wouldn't connect yesterday and for the most of today until a half an hour ago. I finally realized that the 'Help and Support Centre' on my computer never has solutions that actually solves the problem. So I sit in front of my computer all frustrated that I can't connect to the internet and soon even Limewire starts freezing on me and I can't even listen to music to calm myself down. I try calling my internet service provider, but the line is always unavailable or there's nobody to answer the call so I have to leave a message. What kind of customer hotline doesn't have call waiting?! What kind of crappy service is that?! I want to swtich my internet service provider!! I wanted to yell at the customer service people so badly even though I know its not their fault, but I couldn't even connect to there. I was so relieved when for some mysterious reason, it started working again. I never got a response from the customer service people. But I logged onto my HPFF account and found out that chapter 14 of Last Summer has been validated and I got 19 reviews in my inbox. That cheered me up a little, though I was quite amused when I was watching MTV Cribs while my internet wasn't working and they were showing this BMX rider's house. The guy thought Crystal Light was Cristal. He didn't get why people say Cristal is so expensive when he got a six pack of Crystal Light for three dollars. Sadly, he doesn't realize that Cristal is expensive because its champagne. This proves that just because he's rich, doesn't mean he necessarily knows more about extravagance than the rest of us.

Computer Problems

Argh, my computer is acting up again. Its been doing this for the past three days. In the beginning, everything is fine, after maybe an hour or so, the screen suddenly flickers and my start button and the bar disappears for about a minute. Then it reappears and all my windows are scrambled in different order. So everything is fine again, after another hour, the same thing happens except this time, the start button and the bar don't appear again and all of my desktop icons have disappeared too. The msn window that pops up when someone on my contact list signs in or I get a new email pops up in the upper left hand corner of the screen instead. The next day, when I turn on my computer, everything is fine again. I think I have some virus or spyware on my computer. Sometimes I really hate technology. Actually, its a bit more of a love/hate relationship between me and my computer. When everything works fine, I love it to bits, when it messes up on me like right now, I want to throw a brick at the monitor even though I know the hard drive is the one really at fault.

Running in Circles

There's something about hobbies that I've noticed. It seems that all our hobbies involve filling up some inner void that we have. For example, I like to read, because my life isn't terribly exciting and reading allows me to have adventures. I like to go on the internet, because I won't be able to feel degraded or left out with people that I've never met and alot of those people have never met each other as well. I'm fond of pretty things, because I don't feel beautiful very often. But sometimes I feel that by running from my emotions in life and putting them into hobbies, I seem to be running in a circle and in the end, feelings of despair are still lingering behind and it actually feels worse than when I face these feelings in real life. Its like after all this time spent 'enjoying' myself, feeling good that I'm just as good as anyone else, it all seems to fade as time goes by. Every problem as a flaw that becomes its solution and every solution has a flaw that could possibly prevent the problem from being solved. There seems to be no ultimate solution to problems and all I can do is use these temporary escape solutions and the negative feelings seem to get bigger like a snowball rolling down a hill covered with snow. In the end I still feel stupid, unworthy, and ugly. Sometimes I ask myself why I bother still trying to run away and deal with people who are obviously not nice no matter how much they try to appear to be or why I try to still do things to make myself feel good when in the end, I just end up feeling like a failure. I end up feeling really mad at these people I deal with from a combination of hatred and jealousy. Then, I seek out some other solution to these problems and in the end I still feel the same way. I think that maybe its time I leave this world of internet and go out in the real world, try some more new things instead of being who I know I will never be satisfied being and try to enter circles of friendships I know I will never fit into.

Love as a choice?

Can you choose you you fall in love with? This is probably one of the most common themes in romance. I mean, look at Romeo and Juliet, if Romeo had a choice, he wouldn't have been stupid enough to put himself in the agony of being in love with the daughter of a rival family and vice versa. The idea of love being something that you can't control, some force in the world beyond anyone's understanding is extremely romantic of course. The whole thing with a kiss being more powerful then lets say, a gunshot. But then of course, you have all the religious people walking around saying that you can choose who you love, therefore if you marry someone who is not in the same religion as you, thats a sin, and if you decide to fall for someone of the same sex, thats a sin. But the thing is, if love really is a choice, why would anyone be stupid enough to choose to torture themselves? Why would we choose to fall for someone that we know will neve return our feelings? Why do we get stupid crushes? Why wouldn't we just give up on love all togther? Might as well end the agony and complications and be free. Yes, we won't get the wonderful feeling of love but in exchange, we won't have to risk suffering. I'm sure there are alot of people out there who will gladly choose to give up love if that was possible. What about all those extremely ambitious people out there who want to succeed and will stop at nothing to accomplish their goals? Surely they wouldn't want to have a soft spot hindering their progress. I mean, even Hitler had a wife. I don't remember too correctly but I think they had a small, private cermony after the Germans surrendered and then commited suicide together. Something like that. I mean, Hitler would probably have chosen not to love if given the choice since bestowing his feelings on someone would give him a weakness that his enemies can use against him. They may kidnap her in exchange for his power, or he may have to use a lot of security to protect her, therefore weakening his own security. Or, she may try to talk him out of his plans, and he might soften in her emotions and give into her demands. But of course, religious people always tend to drag out Lucifer/Satan/The Devil, saying that he's influencing our subconcious. Though I tend to think that it would make more sense for the devil to offer us some sort of anti-love treatment since alot of religion is saying that God is love. So wouldn't it be smarter to do that and drive us away from God instead of making us fall for the wrong (wrong being defined as people disapproved by our religion) people? Religion and logic are two things that seem to continuously drive me crazy. Must stop thinking so much...

Out of Shape

I seriously need to excercise more. I went biking for a half an hour this morning and my legs already feel rubbery, and part of the distance was downhill too. But I guess I also went uphill alot so that makes me feel a little better. I think I'll try biking everyday, everyone always says that exercising releases endorphins (sp?) and I do feel alot more relaxed after biking. The unfortunate part is I still have to spend at least two hours playing sports with kids during volunteering and unless I somehow magically erase the soreness of my limbs in a few hours, I'm going to be so dead.

Rant

So I'm wallowing in self pity right now and I'm fucking pissed at the whole world, so what? What right do all these non-teenage beings have to criticise me when they do exactly the same? So I'm supposed to be thinking about all the dying and starving people in Africa instead of dwelling on my pity issues? I do think about them and how sad it is that they're starving, but that doesn't mean you have to take away my self-pity rights. Its bad enough that I have to try and not feel like a fucking idiot 24/7, but all these 'mature' people out there have to take a way my self-pity rights. These are basic human rights, right after the right to eat and sleep. No one has the power to tell me to stop doing this. You call sitting in front of the T.V. on Valentines day drinking vodka, eating chocolates, and watching sappy romance movies while complaining about the commercialization of Valentines not self pity? You call masterbating in front of a poster of a supermodel while telling your friends at work that you've had a good fuck over the weekend not denial and self pity all mixed into one package? If one of you can honestly tell me that you have never felt sorry for yourself, then I will stop this self pity and bow down on my knees to you. People always go around saying that teenagers are so disrespectful and stupid and a smudge on the beautiful window of society, but maybe you should all think about respecting us first and actually trying to treat us as people and not overgrown, dangerous toddlers. What about fairness for a change? I'm always too young when I ask for something, but I should always take responsibility because I am now too old to rely on my parents when it comes to them wanting me to do things for them. I come home from school with six fucking A's on my report card and nobody even cares. God, I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm not that stupid, I can tell when you're trying to side step things. I don't even know why I even bother spending all the time doing my homework and actually trying when at the end of the day, I'm still the bitch and the brat. There's all that bullshit about letting your parents down, but whats the fucking point about trying not to do that when they routinely tell me that I let them down anyways? There's no point in trying anyways, no matter how hard I try, they'll never be satisfied. Respect in this fucking house is about how much housework you do. If you clean the toilet, you're the queen of the world. Who cares about the A's? But if you come home with a C in math, its 'you have to spend more time on your schoolwork, don't go on the computer all the time.' Its bad enough that I have to feel like a pathetic loser in front of all those bitches out there, I don't need that at home too. You know what happened on my fifteenth birthday? I came home from school, all happy that all my friends took the time to wish me happy birthday, buy me presents, and surprise me with food even though I didn't have a party. I have this fucking science project due so I spent four hours slaving in front of the computer, then when I finally decide to relax and go on the internet a bit, I am fucking bitched at. Its on my birthday and I can't even have a little fun. By fun, I'm not talking about chugging beer, or getting stoned, I'm just going on the internet and I'm not talking about normal 'bitching.' Its yelling and screaminng and threats that I'm going to get hit if I don't turn the computer off this instant. Its my fucking birthday and I'm yelled/screamed at probably so damn loud that the neighbours probably heard. I spent the rest of my birthday holed up in my room crying while watching Bridget Jones's Diary. One of the worst birthdays ever and I can't even cry to my friends on the phone about it because they won't understand. I'm so jealous of one of my friends, she tells me that she has this ritual with her dad and every night before she goes to bed, she would chat with her dad for a bit and then her dad would tuck her in and she trusts her dad so much. She says that she believes whatever fact her dad tells her. It may sound like she's naive to you but I'm so jealous. I want to be like that, I want to think of my dad as my hero and think whatever he says is right. Maybe I can't have that much but bottom line I want to at least feel respected. I don't want to be called a piece of trash or constantly have my faults listed in front of me. Its bad enough that I don't know who I want to be or what I want and I'm finding all this so confusing and I always seem to be less perfect than someone else, it seems like I can never win in this game. To top that, my parents aren't even taking me seriously. Do you think I've honestly never tried to talk to them about respect, feelings, etc? They just think I learned the speech somewhere or I copied it from some movie. I'm so sick of being lied to, ridiculed, and yelled at. All I want is some time to figure out who I really am and what I really want, is that too much to ask for?

The Gamble of Hope and Disappointment

You know how people go around talking about the evils of gambling and how its a sin, etc. I agree that gambling is bad, but we're always gambling in day to day life anyways. Whenever we dare to hope for something, we're gambling our happiness. If we win, well we get happier, if we lose, we get disappointment. If we decide to love someone, we're also gambling happiness, how much we fall is how much we're betting. People say that hope is what keeps us alive, if there was no hope, we would all eventually die, but if we hope and get disappointed, isn't that what stops us from hoping? Fear of disappointment? So is hope driving itself away?

Grrr...

I'm so fucking depressed and angry right now, I don't even feel like putting in the effort to act all perfect and happy-go-lucky. Only my parents can make me feel degraded, stupid, and retarded in under five minutes.

Midsummer Resolution

I have decided that since there is only one month left of summer, I will turn my life around. I've already started writing in a diary again, cut down my internet time, and I will start biking again. I'm going to reorganize my room and turn my life around. Yes, I have one month and by the time I go back to school, I will no longer be the sloth and slob.

Temperature Drop

The temperature has finally dropped! Yay! Last night it was still pretty hot until about midnight, then there was some wind all of a sudden and I actually needed my blanket. I think I fell asleep within five minutes of the sudden cooling wind and I actually slept all the way until seven thirty and then I was half awake and half asleep and got out of bed at ten thirty. I think it was the most satisfying sleep I've had for two weeks.

I hope the weather stays like this...

Bumblebee

I know that bees are good insects (or is it bugs? I can't remember how to tell the difference), they spread pollen to help plants reproduce and they produce honey (well some types do), but last night, I was forced to kill one. Yes, I know I'm a murderer, I'm cruel, I'm coldblooded, etc. But I have a good excuse. Last night, at about eleven o'clock at night, I just finished watching one of my DVDs and was about to go to sleep when I heard a buzzing noise coming from near the window. I turned and saw a huge bee on the wall next to the window. It was about 3.5 cm long and I could clearly see the parts of its body with the head, the stripes, etc. And it was just buzzing like crazy, flying around my room, and finally deciding to attatch itself to my curtains. (my curtains have a flower print on them) My parents already went to sleep, I considered waking them up for help, but I knew that they would keep saying how cowardly I am and how I should be more independant and saying how would I expect to survive alone in the world if I can't even deal with an itsy bitsy bug (or insect). So thanks to my stupid pride, I decided to take on it myself. At first, I was going to wave it out my window, but it kept attatching itself to my curtains, so I had to keep waving my curtains, hoping that it will move away and fly out the window, but it decided to attatch itself to my pineapple decoration that I had in my room instead. It wouldn't move away no matter how hard I tried to move the pineapple decoration. So, desperate times calls for desperate measures, I took a plastic bag, quickly placed it over the pineapple decoration (along with the bee) and I tied a knot over the bag and left it by my apartment doorstep. When I woke up this morning, the bee and bag were gone but my pineapple decoration was by the door. I think my mom probably took care of it. Anyways, I'm not totally cold hearted, I do feel kind of bad. If it was a mosquito or a fly I wouldn't feel bad since all they do is spread disease and irritate all living things. But a bee is a good (insect/bug) so I hope that somewhere in heaven, this bee will forgive me because I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all if this bee was flying around my room and buzzing all night.

Heat and Insomnia

For the past few days, the temperature has been around thirty degrees celsius. For me, that is total hell. Cold is easy to face, just put on some extra clothes or get an extra blanket at night, but there is only so much you can do to face the heat. I mean, I'm melting even if I sleep naked and I can't even do that because I live with my parents and I don't think its a great idea if my dad suddenly decides to check on me while I'm sleeping just for the heck of it and I'm lying there with no clothes on. Too add to the misery, I sleep on a pillow top mattress, which feels great during the winter, but just not that great during the summer. Oh oops, I forgot to mention, I have no air conditioning in my apartment. I have two fans, but the wind is warm...so not much help. Actually one is right next to me right now and is currently scattering papers across my desk with the wind as I'm typing this. I haven't been able to sleep for more than four to five hours since the temperature started going up. I feel really drowsy in air conditioned rooms but once I get home, the heat keeps me awake. I go to bed at about 11:30, wide awake. I fall asleep around 2:00, wake up at about 7:00, but try to force myself back to sleep. So I get out of bed at about 8:30. This morning at church, I almost had to force my eyes open while the pastor was talking because the air conditioning just felt too nice.

Also I'm going to attempt something that I've never succeeded in: sleeping without a fan for the entire summer. I've resisted the temptation so far, if I last the whole summer, I will buy myself something nice in September. I'm not even sure why I'm doing this as its totally pointless and I'm just torturing myself, maybe I'll just say its to save electricity so I won't look and feel so stupid.

Pirates of the Caribbean 2

I finally watched the movie today, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I waited for awhile and today, on impulse, I decided to go alone, something that I've never done before. Anyways, back to the movie...

I must say that Johnny Depp was brilliant as Jack Sparrow, he had the charm and the humour to bring out the character. Almost all the humour came from his character and his acting is great. He managed to make Jack humorous, cowardly, but a captain at the same time. Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom were kind of bland. I mean, their acting was alright but it was just overshadowed by Johnny Depp. The story itself wasn't as good as the first one but the special effects were much better.

But I think I'll still watch the third one when it comes out. (yes, I admit, Orlando Bloom is one of the reasons)

Leather Wallets

For some reason, I have a sudden desire to buy a tan-coloured leather wallet. I have a couple of wallets at home and all of them are in good condition and everything but I suddenly feel like I need a 'grown-up' wallet. Not one of those 'trendy' wallets, but the ones that, in my imagination, a successful, beautiful woman would take out of her bag to pay for a coffee at Starbucks in the morning before heading to work. It will be a high quality wallet, genuine leather. I know it sounds disgusting that I'm using animal skin as an accessory, but leather comes from bulls, which are killed for their meat anyways, so making use of the animal and using their skin wouldn't be cruel like using fur, because with fur, the animal is killed for the sole purpose of its skin.

I've always wondered one thing about guys. Whereas girls have lots and lots of wallets, guys buy one wallet, always black leather, and that's the only one they'll ever get. My dad uses a black leather wallet and all the guys I know use a black leather wallet and sometimes when I go to the corner store, I see grandpas using black leather wallets. Is it a guy thing? Does a black leather wallet make you more manly?

Fanfiction Confusion

I don't normally discuss fanfiction outside the forums on the site, simply because I think I obsess about it enough normally that I don't need to obsess anymore on my blog, but today, its not about my obsession, its more about what I want to do with writing.

When I first discovered fanfiction last year, it felt like there was this whole new world of people and stories out there. It was new, refreshing, different. In the beginning, I was just reading and I thought: I want to be like these fanfiction authors, I want to get reviews, I want to write a great story. So I finally got an idea and the guts to write my first chapter and I sent it in at the end of August. It was my first submission, I felt that if it got validated, I would be happy. It got validated, I felt that if I got hits, I would be happy. I got thirty hits on the first day, which I felt was alright, it was my first chapter with only about 800 words and no banner. Then I wanted reviews, I got two reviews in the first week. It felt good to answer them, then I saw other authors with stories in the same category with fifty reviews per chapter. I wanted to be like that. Suddenly, two reviews and thirty hits felt like nothing. I felt like such a loser compared to these writers with seven stories already written and this one with 2000 words per chapter.

So I finished my first story and started writing my second and eventually a one-shot before my third. I have to admit that reviews are very important and they help me update faster simply because I would feel bad if I left my readers hanging too long. And after answering a dozen lovely reviews, I feel good about myself. But I always feel that there's a bit of pressure. I always feel slightly afraid whenever I send in a new chapter that it won't measure up to the ones before or nobody will read the next chapter. I mean, it feels great that people are telling me this is the best _____ fic they have ever read, but then when I work on the next chapter, I would think: would they be disappointed? Or sometimes, I would be reading another author's story and I would feel that my writing would never be as good as theirs. Sometimes I don't know if fanfiction is good for me or bad for me.

Sometimes, I feel like there are a lot of boundaries when it comes to fanfiction. There's the whole OOC thing, like I have to write a character in a certain way and it always feels like I'm borrowing the story from someone, it always feels like the story is never completely mine because I wasn't the one that invented Harry Potter. I think I'm starting to see the dangers of writing fanfiction. When I first started and I read an editorial on Mugglenet talking about the bad side of fanfiction, I totally disagreed. But now I can kind of see the writer's points. I feel like I can't create original characters or write stories that are not taking place in the HP world because I'm so used to it. I feel almost like every story has to take place in Hogwarts. I'm even used to the format, the layout of the chapters where I press enter twice instead of indenting my paragraphs.

I want to be an author someday and publish books, fanfiction is a wonderful place to practice, but I wonder if the practice is worth it if it means it will be affecting the skill to create characters, settings, and original plotlines.

Spelling Problems

You know what's really sad? School's been out for about two weeks and I'm already losing my ability to spell. The other day, I couldn't remember how to spell 'blonde'. Is that sad or what? I kept on thinking, "is it 'blond' or 'blonde'?" I'm getting the French and English spellings all mixed up. This is what happens when you take a second language that has similar English words.

Thank God for spell check.

Emotional Eating

Last night, when I was watching The Sixth Sense on TV, I discovered that I have an emotional eating problem. The movie wasn't about food or eating disorders so I have to explain myself a little bit here. First of all, I was a little bit freaked out when I was watching it about half way through, since it was at night and I was the only one up. I know it isn't a scary movie, but I'm not that great with horror films and the part of the movie where you start seeing it through the little boy's eyes and these dead people were hanging over the doorframe, I just started getting freaked out. So I got some cashews and started eating and watching. For some reason, when I was eating, I didn't feel as freaked out. The music, the mood just didn't seem as creepy. But when I stopped, the movie started creeping me out again.

So as you can see, I discovered that I eat when I'm scared and it makes me feel better.

By the way, I kept on watching the movie even after I stopped eating the cashews and it was a good movie but I found it hard to fall asleep last night since the images of the dead people kept flashing through my mind so I had to listen to my mp3 player for about two hours until I was relaxed enough to fall asleep. I only got about six hours of sleep tonight.

Sigh...

Careers...

I finally found out what an epidemiologist is. Apparently, its someone that researches on health risks and how to prevent them and investigates the roots of epidemics. It sounds like an extremely stressful and scienceish job that I'm not that interested in. I don't really know why, its not that I suck really bad at science or I really hate the subject but to me, science always seems cold, icy, I like history better. I like learning about how people used to live and how society evolved from prehistoric times to our modern society. Its just the type of thing that interests me more. Yet, my top choice after answering over a hundred questions is a science based career....

Anyways, I've listed below all the careers I have ever considered taking from the time in kindergarten up until present day:

Author- I've always loved reading and I like to write. It seems nice to be able to get paid just to write stories and I want to see a book written by me sitting on my bookshelf. Ahhh that would be nice, but there aren't many authors out there that can support themselves by writing full time. No matter what career I decide to pursue, I think I will always write and try to get a book published.

Journalist- I like to know what's happening. I read the newspaper every morning when I ride the bus to school. It would be cool to know what's happening first before anyone else does. Plus, I would get to write for a living, which is good, even if its non-fiction. On the other hand, there is alot of competition in the field and if I freelance, my income would be really unstable and thats not the type of lifestyle I really want.

Columnist- I like to blog and express my opinions, it would be nice to get paid to have my opinions published in a newspaper. I mean, how cool is that? But I would probably need to have been a journalist for many years before I can be a columnist.

Critic- I like the idea of getting free books or free movies or free food and getting paid to comment on them, I do that without getting paid anyways. But if I were to work as a critic, I would have to suffer through horrible books/movies/food no matter how unappealing they look to me because it would be my job. Also, I would need experience in journalism before becoming a critic.

Lawyer- I like to debate and I do have a bit of talent when it comes to arguing, debating for a living does sound very appealing but I know there's alot more to being a laywer than arguing. Its a lot of studying, seven years of post secondary education. I'm going to be spending four years in university getting a political science degree, then three years in law school, then apprentincing for a lawyer for a year after that. Its going to cost alot of money so I'm not sure if I can afford it. Plus, since I want to debate, it would probably make more sense to become a barrister and I would have to sit a Bar exam for that, which I think means more studying. I don't want to become a solictor since that's more paperwork. But lawyers do make a lot of money, which is definitely a plus.

Director- After watching so many 'director's commentaries' while watching DVDs, I like the idea of being able to put my vision of a story on the big screen. But its difficult being a director and its one of those jobs where you don't always get the opportunnity to work and income is unstable, plus I would have to go to some arts college and get a degree in filming first. And I would have to work on the set as a director's assistant or something first. It would take many years before I actually get the chance to direct my own film.

Actress- I take Drama in school and I've always loved being on stage. If I do decide to act in plays, it will be another one of those unstable income jobs because I would only get paid if someone offered me a part in a play. My drama teacher told me that she became a teacher because she couldn't support her family by being an actress. If I do decide to act in movies, it will be difficult because I don't exactly have the right look. I'm not caucasion, blonde, Hollywood-skinny, or with big boobs. Plus, I don't think I would act that well when cameras are pressed in my face and bright lights are shining everywhere. Its a different atmosphere from acting on stage. If I do make it big, I don't think I would be able to handle the paparzzi constantly invading my privacy.

Singer- I like to sing, unfortunately, I can't carry a tune if the existance of the universe depended on it.

Artist- This was from a time period when I was little where I was still refusing to accept the fact that I can't draw and no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to draw like my female classmates. I accept this weakness now and no longer pretend to enjoy drawing, therefore I no longer want to be an artist.

Teacher- This was from when I was little, it seemed like a really nice career to be able to influence the minds of young people, but now that I'm volunteering and worked with a fair share of difficult kids, I don't want to be a teacher and be surrounded by thirty of them in a classroom with me as the only person there to handle them.

Dancer- This came from watching latin dancers with the pretty female dancers with great bodies and pretty dresses dancing with the hot male dancers with sexy bodies. As much as I wish to be the pretty female dancers, I can't even square dance in PE and every Christmas, I always mess up on 'Jingle Bell Rock' and by the time I learn the steps, Christmas is over. So my dreams as a Dancer are dashed.

Public Relations Rep- I can be quite persuasive when I want to be so advertising seems like a good career for me, plus I can throw parties and have fun. But I know there's alot more than that to being a PR and its a lot of working overtime to prepare for events. I'm not sure if I want to be under that kind of stress all the time.

Model- I like the idea of walking down the runway wearing beautiful clothes all the time and being admired, but I don't want a career where my success is based on my looks instead of my abilities. Also, I'm not tall enough and I practically have non-existant curves.

Makeup Artist- I like the idea of making people look beautiful, also I always have fun whenever I put on makeup for fun. But I'm not that great at art and putting on makeup is like painting a picture, so I doubt I'd be good at putting makeup on people.

Psychologist- I do this for fun sometimes, which is analysing my emotions when I can't sleep and I reflect back on my day and think why I did certain things. Also, I use this on people when I'm trying to win arguments, I try to see how they think and use it against them. I would be a psychologist but I know I'd panic if I was faced with a suicidal or mentally unstable person.

Politician- My friends always tell me that I'd make a great politician since I'm good at debating and public speaking, but I don't like the idea of having the public decide whether or not to give me a job based on my private life. (scandals affect politicians, think Bill Clinton and the whole 'intercourse definition thing). But I do like the idea of me being the second female prime minister in the history of Canada.

DJ- By DJ, I mean a radio talk show host, not a disc jockey. I like to talk and express my opinions, it seems like a good idea to be able to get paid and do it. But beginner DJs get really crappy shifts at four am and I don't think I'll be able to talk as well when I'm half asleep.

Librarian- I like to read, why not get paid to hang out in a library? But it seems like a not every interesting job to be stuck in the same building all the time. On the other hand, you get paid pretty well to be a librarian.

Hairstylist- I like the idea of making someone beautiful, but I always find it slightly disgusting to touch people's hair if its dirty.

Accountant- I make budgets for myself all the time and I actually find it kind of fun, but you need to study alot of math to be an accountant and I don't really like math.

Okay, that's all I can think of at the moment, I know there's more so I'll post more when I can remember them.

What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up

This seems like one of those topics that have been talked to death from the moment you enter kindergarten to when you graduate from university. Anyways, I went to this website that I got from CAPP and after doing this very lengthy quiz (more like a test), I got these results:


1. Epidemiologist
2. Historian
3. Researcher
4. Criminologist
5. Market Research Analyst
6. Economist
7. Announcer
8. Public Policy Analyst
9. Genetic Counsellor
10. Writer
11. Activist
12. Lobbyist
13. Translator
14. Director of Photography
15. Arts Administrator
16. Website Designer
17. Interpreter
18. Art Director
19. Anthropologist
20. Political Aide
21. Print Journalist
22. Comedian
23. Actor
24. Technical Writer
25. Public Relations Specialist
26. Television and Radio Reporter
27. Sign Language Interpreter
28.Communications Specialist
29.Mediator
30.Critic
31.Biologist
32.Motivational Speaker
33.Special Effects Technician
34.Artist
35. Photographer
36.Inventor
37.Marketing Specialist
38.Politician
39.Corporate Trainer
40.Professor

Also, apparently, my focus areas are "Liberal Arts and humanities" and "Fine Arts, Design, and Media"

By the way, I have no idea what an epidemiologist is.

Loser

I know I posted only about an hour before, but I think I'm getting addicted to talking about myself. Yes, I'm an attention whore.

I just went on my old xanga account to see what everyone was up to. I haven't been on in ages and my last post must have been half a year ago. Anyways, everyone seemed to be having something to do. People were looking for jobs and getting interviews, out all day hanging out with friends, travelling everywhere with family, etc. And I'm just sitting here in front of my computer whining about my problems here. It feels kind of like I have no life, you know? It feels kind of like everything I want to do this summer just didn't work out and I got left with the second-best option. Instead of getting a job, (which my other 'friend' had promised we would job-hunt together and go to interviews together for moral support. Turned out, she found a job and didn't even tell me she actually found a job, let alone tell me about the job opening or the interview) I'm volunteering. Instead of travelling somewhere, I'm stuck with going to the mall all the time and its getting boring. I always feel there's a little bit of pressure hanging out with my friends that I always have to live up to something. Before you go off labelling me for self-esteem issues, let me tell you that they are the most polite people I have ever met. They always say 'please' and 'thank-you' and when there's a door, they rush to open it, and 'sorry' is the word that seems to be constantly in their vocabulary. They are never late and all are getting almost straight-A's in school. To add to that, their houses are about three times the size of the apartment that I live in. While my family are public transit users owning no cars, they have two cars each. It just feels like I'm not as good as them.

I feel like such a loser.

Platonic Friendships

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep and I was lying on my bed just randomly thinking. One of the thoughts that popped up in my mind is the old question that was in the movie, When Harry Met Sally. Can guys and girls be 'just friends'? So I thought about all the guys I knew where I considered them at least an aquaintance. And I am very ashamed to say that I couldn't think of one guy who I was not attracted to at some point, whether it was physically or to their personality. It seemed I had felt like flirting with each one of those guys at a certain point of the friendship. I mean, I'm obviously not attracted to them in that way anymore. But that leads me to think, do guys and girls always have to get past the 'attraction' stage of their relationship before they can move on to friendship? In the movie, Harry says that its impossible for two people of the opposite gender to remain friends because they would always want to have sex with each other. Does this mean that the sexual attraction between the two genders is what keeps people from being intimate friends? Personally, I'm always closer with my female friends, simply because there are things that would be just too weird to talk to a guy about. If I talked to him about other guys, I would always wonder if he would tell that guy that I talked about them, because there's always the whole 'guys stick together' thing. And I obviously can't talk to them about 'girl stuff'. I mean how awkward would it be if I started discussing brands of tampons or something with them? It would be the equivalant of them walking up to me and telling me that they're having a boner right now. Totally awkward and just plain weird.

Another thing I was wondering about was flirting. Just what is flirting? Teasing? Playfully hitting? Talking? I'm a heterosexual (straight) and I tease my female friends, we went throught that phrase back in elementary school where it seemed funny to slap each other's butts, and we definitely talk. But I'm obviously not flirting with them. What makes this different when it comes to guys? I remember one time where I was at the pool during the summer and me and this guy I knew were splashing each other. Of course, all my friends immediately thought we liked each other and were flirting like crazy. The truth is, I don't know if I was flirting or not. Maybe subconciously, my hormones are directing me to attract males. After all, humans are animals and the whole point of sex and hormones is to find a mate and reproduce. This is what animals do.

This leaves me befuddled and absolutely confuzzled.

One Red Paperclip

I saw the other day on the news about this guy who traded one paperclip for other things and after one year, which I think was yesterday. He traded a movie role for a house in Saskatchewan. I actually didn't know before that his website was a blogger account. Anyways, check it out here: http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/

A Salute to Volunteers

Yesterday, I volunteered for a full day for the very first time. I mean, I've volunteered before but not for this long in one building. Anyways, the first two hours was absolute torture. The entire group of kids consisted of about fifteen boys and three girls. All around the age of 10-12. So there was this 'gym time' thing where they play organized games such as soccer, basketball, etc. As volunteers, originally, I thought all we had to do was to supervise them. But since there weren't many kids, the 'boss' decided that the volunteers should play as well. Now, before I go any further, the only thing I can say about the group of kids is the only way they'll respect you is if you're either a guy or you're extremely good at sports. Since I am neither, I only got ridiculed when I attempted to be friendly and was ignored when I tried to enforce any control at all. When we were 'playing', I bascially stood around the entire time since I didn't get passed the ball or anything, bringing back old feelings of inferiority in P.E. class from Elementary school, not exactly a feeling that cheers me up. After gym time, it got a little better. We (the volunteers) had to 'supervise'. Which meant we were playing foosball, ping pong, and cards. I think the best thing that happened was I learned how to play poker. I don't know how people can volunteer everyday like this. Argh, I mean I found myself hating the kids. I'm trying hard not to, but I just can't help it. This is going to be a long summer...for me at least. To all the dedicated volunteers out there, I salute you! And I'm sorry if I ever gave any of you a hard time when I was a participant in any program.

Dark Chocolate

Being an avid reader/fanfiction writer, I've come across at least a hundred similies/metaphors all dealing with love. There's love is like a rainbow/cloud/sunlight, etc. My personal favourite is love is like chocolate, at first it tastes good, but it ends up being bad for your health. Or maybe that was boys, I don't really remember. Anyways, my personal metaphor is love is like dark chocolate, to be able to truly enjoy it, you need to know how to find sweetness in the bitter and bitter in the sweet. But the thing is, with dark chocolate, I can only ever eat one square at a time, never two in a row, because then the bitter overpowers the sweet and it no longer tastes like anything. Just pure bitterness...

The Amusing World of Internet Explorer

Before I say anything else, I'm going to tell you that I'm a total internet addict. I go on whenever I can and stay on as long as I can. There are many reasons for this, one of them is because I like to see what people I don't know have to say about various issues and I like to discuss things with people that I've never met face-to-face before. Whenever I have a question, all I have to do is google and there's the answer. Plus, there's so many free games out there for me to vent my anger out on and of course, there's blogging. But one thing never ceases to amuse (sometimes annoy) me is the false sense of power that people (including myself) sometimes get when they're on the internet. I mean, I guess when you own a website, you pay for the domain registration fee, the hosting fee, and you spend hours doing your layout; you probably do deserve to make decisions to ban certain people from your site or write long posts with hundreds of swear words about people you dislike. But your power is limited to your site. What people do at other sites is none of your business. I mean, its the internet, you have the freedom of speech. Just because you're in a PMS state of mind doesn't mean you can go around blocking everyone for something they said at another site that you have no authority over. We go online to relax and have fun, not to watch our mouths and hide our opinions. Its not like you're the government or anything and even the government (at least where I live) doesn't go around censoring the media (including the internet). Now if the government can't tell me what I can or can not say, what authority do you people, who hide behind the safety of a computer screen and a username, have over me?

World Cup 2006 Finals

This is my last World Cup post, I promise.

Italian Victory! 5-3 on Penalty Shots!!!

Ah, World Cup 2006 has finally come to an end with the Italians bringing home the cup for the fourth time. The match today wasn't that spectacular, there was so much stoppage and after about eighty minutes, all the players looked really wiped out. First two minutes in and Henry already gets a head injury by colliding with some Italian player and that stopped the game for like three minutes. A few minutes later, a foul to a French player occurs in the penalty area and France gets a penalty shot with a leading goal seven minutes into the game. Then at about nineteen minutes, Materazzi scores for Italy, bringing the game to a tie. During second half, its mostly a lot of 'almost' shots, but nothing in the goal. Extra time had to be played and at about 111 minutes Zidaine suddenly butts Materazzi in the chest and was sent off by the referee with a red card. When I saw that I was like "WTF?" what just happened? Grown men do not run around butting people like bulls! I mean, he's the captain of the French National Soccer team and this is his last game of his career. He'll never play soccer again. What a bad way to end your career! Sent to the locker room and can't even come out and collect the silver medal that the entire French team does not want. Anyways, penalty shoot out, Trezeguet missed, probably out of nerves, resulting in the Italian victory.

Faking Open Mindedness

You know, here in North America, we're supposed to be embracing differences and all opened minded and everything, but I can tell you that we're just faking it. If we're so open minded then why did a movie like Brokeback Mountain generate more publicity than all the other Academy Award Nominees combined? Why would a movie like that get banned in several states in the US? Supposingly the leader in the Free World countries? Why is it accepted for a woman to stay at home and take care of her family after she's married but not for a man? Why would a woman be considered irresponsible if she decides to choose career over family but if a man did the same he would be considered amibitious? Even Canada, its in the consitution that you can do anything as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Yet, churches are banning gay marriages and polygamy is still being practiced certain parts of British Columbia. The most ironic thing about the polygamy is its practiced by a Christain community. Doesn't it say somewhere in the Bible that you're only allowed to marry one person? In a society where women are respected and treated as equals, why are music videos always featuring half naked women dancing to music that talks about sex, women being objects, and shooting people? People don't know that Bill Gates is rich because he created Microsoft, but they do know that 50 cent got shot nine times. Is something wrong with this picture or is it just me?

Song of the Moment

One of my favourite songs of the moment. 'Linger' by the Cranberries. Its so old, I think I was a toddler when this song first came out, but its such a beautiful song and I love how it talks about when the guy you love breaks your heart but you still find yourself pining away for him.

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn,
don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

(chorus)
But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, but I was wrong

If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

Wash Away

Scarlet, crimson;
ivory, onyx;
thunder, heartbeat;
river, ripple;
ice, fire;
caress, devour;
feel my breath on your neck,
your soul on my skin,
let it all wash away...

Favourite Soccer Player

Yes, this is another World Cup post.



My new favourite soccer player is not Beckam, Ronaldo, or Figo, its Michael Ballack, Captain of the German World Cup Soccer team. He has good endurance, leadership skills, strategy, and of course, the fact that he's cute is one of the positive attributes. Has anyone noticed that he kind of looks like Brad Pitt?