Rant

So I'm wallowing in self pity right now and I'm fucking pissed at the whole world, so what? What right do all these non-teenage beings have to criticise me when they do exactly the same? So I'm supposed to be thinking about all the dying and starving people in Africa instead of dwelling on my pity issues? I do think about them and how sad it is that they're starving, but that doesn't mean you have to take away my self-pity rights. Its bad enough that I have to try and not feel like a fucking idiot 24/7, but all these 'mature' people out there have to take a way my self-pity rights. These are basic human rights, right after the right to eat and sleep. No one has the power to tell me to stop doing this. You call sitting in front of the T.V. on Valentines day drinking vodka, eating chocolates, and watching sappy romance movies while complaining about the commercialization of Valentines not self pity? You call masterbating in front of a poster of a supermodel while telling your friends at work that you've had a good fuck over the weekend not denial and self pity all mixed into one package? If one of you can honestly tell me that you have never felt sorry for yourself, then I will stop this self pity and bow down on my knees to you. People always go around saying that teenagers are so disrespectful and stupid and a smudge on the beautiful window of society, but maybe you should all think about respecting us first and actually trying to treat us as people and not overgrown, dangerous toddlers. What about fairness for a change? I'm always too young when I ask for something, but I should always take responsibility because I am now too old to rely on my parents when it comes to them wanting me to do things for them. I come home from school with six fucking A's on my report card and nobody even cares. God, I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm not that stupid, I can tell when you're trying to side step things. I don't even know why I even bother spending all the time doing my homework and actually trying when at the end of the day, I'm still the bitch and the brat. There's all that bullshit about letting your parents down, but whats the fucking point about trying not to do that when they routinely tell me that I let them down anyways? There's no point in trying anyways, no matter how hard I try, they'll never be satisfied. Respect in this fucking house is about how much housework you do. If you clean the toilet, you're the queen of the world. Who cares about the A's? But if you come home with a C in math, its 'you have to spend more time on your schoolwork, don't go on the computer all the time.' Its bad enough that I have to feel like a pathetic loser in front of all those bitches out there, I don't need that at home too. You know what happened on my fifteenth birthday? I came home from school, all happy that all my friends took the time to wish me happy birthday, buy me presents, and surprise me with food even though I didn't have a party. I have this fucking science project due so I spent four hours slaving in front of the computer, then when I finally decide to relax and go on the internet a bit, I am fucking bitched at. Its on my birthday and I can't even have a little fun. By fun, I'm not talking about chugging beer, or getting stoned, I'm just going on the internet and I'm not talking about normal 'bitching.' Its yelling and screaminng and threats that I'm going to get hit if I don't turn the computer off this instant. Its my fucking birthday and I'm yelled/screamed at probably so damn loud that the neighbours probably heard. I spent the rest of my birthday holed up in my room crying while watching Bridget Jones's Diary. One of the worst birthdays ever and I can't even cry to my friends on the phone about it because they won't understand. I'm so jealous of one of my friends, she tells me that she has this ritual with her dad and every night before she goes to bed, she would chat with her dad for a bit and then her dad would tuck her in and she trusts her dad so much. She says that she believes whatever fact her dad tells her. It may sound like she's naive to you but I'm so jealous. I want to be like that, I want to think of my dad as my hero and think whatever he says is right. Maybe I can't have that much but bottom line I want to at least feel respected. I don't want to be called a piece of trash or constantly have my faults listed in front of me. Its bad enough that I don't know who I want to be or what I want and I'm finding all this so confusing and I always seem to be less perfect than someone else, it seems like I can never win in this game. To top that, my parents aren't even taking me seriously. Do you think I've honestly never tried to talk to them about respect, feelings, etc? They just think I learned the speech somewhere or I copied it from some movie. I'm so sick of being lied to, ridiculed, and yelled at. All I want is some time to figure out who I really am and what I really want, is that too much to ask for?