The "M" Word

Oh! The root of all evil, bits of coloured paper that we spend all of our lives labouring over, and something that people claim to hate but we secretly all love it to death: money. I think the older you get, the more the importance of money hits you.
I was five or so when I wanted pizza for lunch instead of leftovers from the night before, I asked for it and my mom said no. "I'll buy it with my own money then!" I exclaimed and dug out my savings from the odd five dollar bill that my dad sometimes gave me. Of course, my mom retorted by yelling loudly, raving about how I haven't even started making money and I was already spending it lavishly and how I'll grow up to be an idiot that only knows how to spend money and not how to make it. The little five year old me tucked the five dollar bill back in my pocket and sat down spooning the leftovers in my mouth, angry tears threatening to fall. Money did not feel too important back then.
I was seven or so and it was my birthday. My dad asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted Pokemon figurines. We went to Zellers and I picked out a box of two 11cm stuffed animal looking figurines in plastic for $11.99. We came home and my mom yelled at me for not picking out something more practical and wasting money on toys like these. She yelled at my dad for buying it for me. Money did not feel too powerful back then.
I was eleven when our class went on a fieldtrip to the province capital. To go there, we each got a box of chocolates and had to sell them to raise money. If you didn't sell them all, then you had to pay for what you didn't sell. My mom and I went to the Skytrain station near where we lived. I stood by the staircase where people left the station and shouted "Chocolates for sale! $3 a box!" Some people bought them from me out of pity, since they had to do the same when they were kids, I got kicked out of there by bus drivers and Skytrain attendants numerous times for selling the chocolates there without a permit. None of my friends had to do this, their parents worked in nice offices and their parents took the huge box to their offices and got them all sold in a day. My mom worked in a factory (still does) and my dad worked as a lowly paid cook in a small restaurant (still lowly paid, not the same restaurant). Their co-workers would never fork out $3 for a small pack of chocolates. My friends lived in nice houses and their parents own two cars. I live in a small apartment and have ridden in public transportation my entire life. Money began to become something important.
Now, my computer is constantly lagging with a RAM of 128MB, I've had it for six years and I want to get a laptop, my parents have said no. I took my Learners driving test today and passed (written test). My mom complained from the moment we left the house (and she's still complaining now) about what a waste of money and time it was. She told me that she didn't think I should drive until I'm 22 and driving lessons would be a waste of money since she didn't think I would be able to get my Novice License with only 20 hours of driving instruction. "Also, I hear of new drivers crashing their fancy sports cars all the time," she said. I don't have a sports car, in fact, we don't have a car, period. I have no college fund and since I went to Asia in July, I can't find a job and I've been looking since I returned. Money feels indeed both powerful and important now.
I think I've become a bit obsessed with making money. I've started writing on Helium, a site that pays you when people read your articles. I'm making pretty much no money right now, please click on the link below and read my articles. If you want to join, please give me your email so I can refer you and earn some extra.

My Helium Account

I'm about three clicks away from adding Google AdSense to this blog and I really don't want to because it would defeat my purpose of having this blog. Plus, I think I'd make about three cents each month with the amount of traffic I get. *Sigh* Money, money, money...

Travel Log

Haven't had a chance to blog yet, but I'm currently in Macau, staying at a relative's house. I'm feeling extremely miserable. The fucking mosquitos won't leave me alone and its so damn hot here. I can never towel myself completely dry because nobody uses nice big fluffy towels here and when I hang my towel in the bathroom, the humidity makes it impossible to ever dry. I hate living with relatives, I don't have anyone my own age to talk to and its boring me to tears. I can't believe I threw up on the airplane getting here, I have never thrown up on an airplane before. Argh, this trip was doomed from the start.
However, on a more interesting note, I've discovered a strange cultural difference. Instead of products that give you a fake tan, brands of skincare products like Neutrogena, Olay, etc have skincare products that make your skin fairer. I suppose since in Asia, its considered better to have lighter skin, unlike in North America where everyone wants a tan.

Little Miss Scary (or rather, INSANE)

Weeeeeeeee!!!!! After all these months of bottled up anger and stress, I think I've finally gone insane. Everything seems strangely emotional to me nowadays, even "Spongebob Squarepants" seems strangely touching. All the people that want to "look at my work" in socials class tempt me to throw a loud temper tantrum on the spot. All of a sudden, when I think about Theatre Company, I want to laugh. A friend pointed out to me a few days ago that we're all in Theatre Company because we need to mask our insecurities with being in the spotlight but once one of us actually gets the spotlight and the attention, we have to go about bringing that person down because we can't stand the idea of anyone but ourselves in the spotlight. Doesn't this seem funny? Deep inside, we're all a bunch of school yard bullies with attention-whore complexes. I spent most of today watching alternating episodes of "Prison Break" and "Sex and the City", two things that do not mix at all. While watching and even right now, I kept playing with my tape measure keychain, trying to see how long I can stretch the tape measure and then pulling the button back without getting lashed by the tape measure. Meanwhile I am also ignoring the fact that I have alot of homework to do and instead, am slacking off. I feel extremely blocked in terms of fanfiction right now and I feel almost like giving up. Today I spent hours in the mall testing various brands of foundation on my hand and trying out perfumes by spraying it on those little cardboard. The result: my hand smelled like alot of perfumes (primarily the Calvin Klein ones) mixed together. I felt like I was having a girly day out with myself.

If by now you're still reading this post, I think you realize that none of this makes any sense at all.

LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA

Weekend Store Hours

I really don't understand why stores close earlier on weekends. It makes no sense at all. I mean, weekends are when people don't have to go to work and therefore have more time to shop. Stores are open late on weekdays when people are too tired to shop after work or they have to go to sleep earlier because they have to wake up early the next morning. Doesn't it make sense to extend store hours on weekends? I mean, they would make so much more money by mall-lingering people like me who can spend the entire day at the mall. Well, I mostly window shop but that's not the point. This pretty much takes out half of the things one could possibly do on a weekend when staying out late. I mean, come on, this is ruining the country's economy here!!

Okay, fine, I admit it. The source of this frustration comes from me taking the goddamned CD-ROM/DVD drive to the store for an exchange/refund and finding it closed. ARGH!

The Computer Drama

God, if I can use my computer to crack open beers, maybe I'd feel a bit more mellow and less pissed off at this piece of crap. Before I go on any further, if you don't know already, I'm not exactly a computer expert and don't know much about computers beyond the basic stuff.

This horrid tale begins with my CD-ROM drive no longer functioning. Now my computer is a little more than five years old, but for some reason, it can't even play DVDs and I've been thinking of getting a DVD drive for a while anyways so this gave me an excuse to get a CD/DVD drive combo that all the new computers now have. So I skipped along to the neighbourhood Future Shop, a place where they over-charge you for the same metal crap you get everywhere else. Now I'm aware of the red-uniformed vultures (also known as salespeople) who prey on computer idiots like me. They had an internal drive for $60 and an external drive connected via USB cable for $70. Ohhhh the external drive, what a beautiful thing, what a wonderful thought! I must admit, my pulse quickened at the thought of not having to open up my computer and mess around with the inside, which always makes me uneasy. But... (there's always a but) the thought of paying seventy bucks is not a very appealing thought. So as usual, I asked around a few friends who were better with computers. They advised me to get an internal drive since it would be faster and to go to this store that sells everything factory-direct. So I went there today and got an internal drive for $25. I thought "This is great! Same product for a fraction of the cost!" Boy...this is where the trouble began. I have a HP Pavillion 7917 with its stupid goddamned plastic outercase and a spare space for an extra drive. So first, I started off with trying to take my original drive out. For some reason, one of the screws just wouldn't come out no matter which screwdriver I used. So I, I decided to put the new drive in the spare space. There's a metal covering in the spare space so I guess people won't accidentally stick things inside their computer. But getting that piece of metal out... I think the scratches on my hands and that splotch of blood that's still on the inside of the lid explains the story very well. Afterwards, I still couldn't stick the drive in because there wasn't enough room so I had to unscrew some things. So I stuck the drive in and screwed the rest of the components back in. I figured, finally, the easy part has come: installing the drive. Now this is the part where I think that whoever designed the packaging must have very low I.Q. THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL WAS ON CD-ROM!!! If my CD-ROM drive was working, I wouldn't need to buy another fucking drive, would I?! The drive can't read the CD-ROM if it hasn't been installed. So I opened hardware manager. It said there was something wrong with installation. So I figured maybe I plugged the wrong plug in or something, so I shut off my computer and opened it up again. After switching the plug, I turned on my computer and had to wait 15 minutes for my internet security suite to load so it would stop blocking all my attempts at modifying the computer's settings. I tried installing: same message, wouldn't install.

Three hours worth of installation attempts later: the same result.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Petty Revenge

This is my 100th post on this blog! Its not a particularly happy or deep and soulful post. It is a post of petty revenge that I have resisted until this day to act upon.

This is a picture of someone that I will call "Dick" for the purposes of protecting his identity despite how much he does not deserve it. Also, of course, the double meaning of the name gives you a sense of what his personality is like. No offense to any of you out there named "Dick". In my previous rants about Theatre Company and the Spring Play, I have mentioned the group of people determined to have their way and ignore other people's ideas. "Dick" is the ringleader. In the drama studio, there are quite alot of pictures of people in Theatre Company in various plays. I have quite a few pictures posted on the walls. The other day, I noticed that in almost all of my pictures, somebody took a sharpie and decided to blot out my face. My immediate emotions of course were rage and different methods of revenge ran through my mind. I knew that "Dick" and his "followers" did it. They are the ones that hang around the drama studio all the time and they are the ones who, when being reprimanded by the director, immediately demand to know from the people around if I was the one that said anything, as if I would sink to his level. After calming down slightly, I decided to take matters in my own hands, not in an act of revenge, but to look at the big picture. Sure, I could stay in Theatrre Company next year and endure all the little acts of petty revenge taken on me. I know my friends in Theatre Company really want me to stay and the director wants to as well. But I know that I will never be happy and be able to relax and have fun if I constantly wonder if people are talking about me when they split up into groups and talk. I could stay and "stick it out" for another year, but in the end, who wins? I'm the one that's going to be unhappy. Does it really matter so much who "wins"? If I'm happy, I know I've won. I'm not the one that has to scrap for the spotlight on stage to get attention. I walk with my head high and know I can shine no matter where I go. As for the picture? My little act of petty revenge, returning the favour of what he had done to me. Only this picture is plastered on the internet for all to see...

That felt good.

Unbelievably Lost and Confused

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life right now, I feel so confused and lost. It seems like lately, I've been changing my life in a decisive and dramatic fashion. I've had my eyes set on such impossible and bizzare goals. At the same time, I question whether or not I'm making the right decision. Am I screwing things up rather than changing my life for better?
I quit the Ultimate Frisbee team because it took me two years to realize that I never liked the sport in the first place. What I liked about it was the feeling of togetherness when I played side by side with my team members and the feeling that I belonged. I only joined in the first place because my friends joined and I didn't want to feel left out. I remembered in grade eight when they all joined the Library Club and it seemed too boring for me so I didn't join. I ended up sitting alone by my locker whenever they had meetings; I didn't want a repeat of the same events with Ultimate. So for two years, I spent every practice staring at my watch, hoping for practice to end soon. My skills improved, but not enough for anyone to pass to me during a game. I would run around for two hours, get exercise, but never get the disc. My friends were (and still are) crazy about the sport, I played along, but always felt like such a fake afterwards. I guess I'm finally tired of pretending. My friends don't quite grasp the concept that I don't like Ultimate and just think that I'm being irresponsible and lazy. I would explain again but its not worth my time to do so and I'm not obliged to explain anything to anyone in the first place.
With my friends, lately, I've been confiding in my guy friends more than my close girl friends. Around my female friends, I feel the pressure to act like a goody-goody. They are the type of people who would feel awkward and embarassed if the subject of sex ever came up and have probably never said the f-word once in their lives. With my guy friends, it seems so much easier to confide in them because there isn't the pressure to censor everything before it comes out of my mouth when I feel the need to rant. But at the same time, I miss the closeness that I share with them, but then I don't really want to seek them out and talk. I guess the arrogant side of me thinks that if they don't come to me, why should I waste my time going to them? I don't know whether I want to stand out amongst my firends or fit in. When I stand out, I feel lonely and left out, but whe I fit in, I feel as though I'm just a part of the crowd and not a distinct person.
With religion, I am especially confused. In a sense, its too deeply imbedded in me for me to ever practice Wicca or become a Buddhist or anything like that, but I always feel so fake whenever I sit in a church. Most of the things that the pastor tells me not to do, I don't want to stop. As much as it sounds so great to many people to be all moral and everything, its just not me. There's so many don'ts in Christianity. Don't think lustful thoughts, don't masterbate, don't date non-Christians, don't have sex before marriage, don't swear or take the name of the Lord in vain. Most of all, the thing that disturbs me the most is how intolerant Christianity can be. I remember that one sermon that probably planted the seed of doubt in my mind. Apparently, according to my pastor, being homosexual is a sin and isn't something that you are born with but something that you choose. Despite being straight, this is exactly the opposite of what I believe in. I believe that people should love whomever they wish without being prosecuted.
With my future career, I want to be something that involves writing. I want to be a journalist and make a difference in the world with my opinons. My goal is to some day, be as influential the way Oriana Fallaci was. But at the same time, I know that being a journalist is not a very stable career and not very many journalists manage to make it big. Also, being a successful journalist would mean sacrificing the opportunnity to get married and start a family. Even though I highly doubt I'll ever be a wife and mother, the idea of living alone for the rest of my life does not sound very appealing. Plus, I could be sacrificing this and still turn out to be unsuccessful. I've also thought about being an English teacher. I had the chance to teach a Drama 8 class the other day and it felt really good. The teacher thought I was great and I had a great time. On the toher hand, being a teacher isn't exactly feeding my ambitious dreams. But educating the society of tommorow is a very rewarding thing. I don't even know where I'm going for college yet. I want to go somewhere far away, experience life, see the world, and get away from my parents. But I know I can't afford it because my parents never started a college fund for me. Despite my Honour-Roll grades, my parents never felt that they should save up for my education. In fact, they were about to start a college fund for me a couple of years ago when tehy learned that the Canadian government gives $500 to your fund or something, but they gave up on the notion when they realized that the child had to be under 12 or else the government wouldn't pay you anything.
Argh, I hope I'll pull my act together in the end.

Theatre Company Woes

I've never really quite understood why the world of celebrities always seemed to be filled with assorted scandals until recently. I was a drama student ever since I entered high school. Even before that, I always enjoyed giving oral presentations and being on stage for a few moments in an assembly or a small scale play. I love acting, it gives me a chance to be someone else for a period of time on stage. The first time I was in a large scale school play, I felt like I was the one tht held the audience's attention, in the spotlight, they only had eyes for me. It was a feeling of triumph, ecstasy, and power like no other. Afterwards, people came up to me and told me I did a good job and that it felt cool to see someone they knew on stage. I auditioned for the Theatre Company at my school, the drama class that produces the large production plays and is made up of the best actors in the entire school. I got in and for most of the year, it was a good experience. I had the chance to meet people from different grades and had the opportunnity to not only act in many quality productions but also opportunnities to work with industry professionals. However, in the past couple of days, I discovered the uglier side of being in a room full of actors.
Now I'm going to admit to you right now that actors for the most part are egotistical people and I'm including myself in this comparison, even though I'm speaking in a third-person perspective. In a sense, I suppose its understandable. Actors are the ones with the ability to remain composed despite of nerves, they're the ones with the loudest voices, and the ones with the best lying and deceiving skills. However, its getting to the point where its getting absolutely out of hand and I can't stand it anymore. This is the situation: every year, we put on at least one huge production. This year however, we are in a bit of trouble. There were problems with budgeting for the original script chosen, so we couldn't do that. Our drama teacher, and right now I'm going to say this for anybody out there who has not been to a single drama class/workshop: I have never met a normal drama teacher before; they all seem to be eccentric in some way. Anyhow, the drama teacher brings in this woman with ideas that are....rather more appropriate for the sixties. Lets just say, we're not into the whole hippie stuff anymore. So the entire group confronted the teacher, we didn't like where this was going. After much argument, it was decided that we would come up with something on our own. We decided to do a Shakespeare production, I have no disagreements with that. After all, Shakespeare is considered to be one of the greatest playwrights of all time, it'll be pretty interesting to work on that. But, there's a select group of people that I have not had a problem with until this point in time. All they want to do is to be "funny". Now I put that in quotations because humour can be divided into two categories. There's the good kind and the crap kind. The good kind would be like the movie "Forrest Gump", where humour is written in a way that makes you laugh from the heart; with clever dialogue and an intelligent but comedic story. The crap humour would be like "Date Movie". Its humour that gives you a quick laugh, but you leave the movie theatre/playhouse with nothing. For some reason, a particular group of people feel the need to make the play "funny". Well, that's alright, different strokes for different folks, right? You like the play funny, I want something with more substance. Its the way they're acting that pisses me off. They wanted to completely change Shakespeare. This isn't the part that's annoying yet. I didn't like the idea much though. Having all the characters in the tragedies fake their death and then pair Hamlet up with Juliet, Ophelia with Nick Bottom in donkey form(wtf?!), etc. Okay, in a way its sort of like fanfiction, I can deal with that. I did however strongly disagree with quite a few of the changes they made and sort of became the voice of half of the Theatre Company that agreed with me. The leader of the other side seemed hell-bent on having me as the co-script writer for some reason despite my open opposition against his ideas. But he was probably hoping that if I would be bribed with the opportunnity to write the script for the school play and stop telling him that his ideas are crap. Then we had this huge discussion with half of the class that cared, me, him, and the teacher. The disagreement was more between me and him and the teacher was more on my side. So finally, she decides that we should just find a new script thats already written up that we can all agree on using instead of wasting our time arguing about a script that hasn't even been written yet. So we look for scripts and hey automatically trash every script we come up with without even looking at the script. In fact, they trash talked everyone that didn't agree with their ideas. They automatically assumed that if it wasn't a comedy written by them, it was crap. In fact, this is what one of them said: "The play can be sad, but it has to be funny." Is it just me or does that make no sense at all?
This is where the uglier side of actors comes in. We can all lie and conceal our hatred and emotions so well that you seem to not know who is truly your friend. The person who says they support you in front of you will turn and tell somebody else that they think you're not worthy enough for Theatre Company. I'm sick of constantly having to choose between expressing my opinion and not being hated by the actors, at least the select few that seem to have a problem with people who disagree with them. In fact, as surprising as it may sound, alot of the actors are followers, not leaders, as you can see with the quote earlier. I'm embarassed to be associated with people like that.

I'm quitting.

Siege

I've been hacked, both my computer and msn account was hacked yesterday. I feel like I'm in one of those historical fiction novels where the city is sieged and the enemy has finally broken though. A year and a half ago, I wouldn't have cared too much if anybody hacked into my msn account or computer, but now I've got fanfic. As much as I would like to just walk into school tommorow and tell everyone what I do in my spare time, to be honest, I don't have the guts to do it. There are people like my friends who I know will support me, and by friends, I mean the actual friends that I've known for years who've stuck by me, not the casual accquaintance "friends". I know there will be people who will whisper and hate me just simply for being who I am. I admit that I'm a coward and I will never have the strength to speak my mind in front of a crowd. I used to have a blog on Xanga but I stopped going on. I had to censor everything I put on it because I knew that people would read it and I was afraid of what they thought. I mean, I know there are people that read this blog, albeit not very many, but I don't know you guys personally and would most likely never meet you in person. I mean, there's so many scenes in "Last Summer" alone that would have them whispering. Is the goody-goody A-Student a ho? There's a whole load of posts in here that I would be uncomfortable sharing with some people. Fanfiction, internet, blogging, this is my personal space, a little (maybe not so little) place where I can speak my mind and not have to constantly censor myself. Its a place where I can be myself without worrying about what others think. Why must you take this away from me?

I know who the hacker is. Yes, if you're reading this, I know it was you. Since you've hacked into my files and probably read through them, I might as well tell you this. I can't believe I actually liked you. You decide to flirt with me as if we were dating one day and the next, I see you with anohter girl. All week, you decide to walk me to my locker, flirt with me, talk to me. Next, you tell your friend that you're hacking in revenge for me "annoying" you when you know perfectly well that I was never the one that initiated anything that could constitute as "annoying". You have been the one seeking me out. Thats what hurts the most. To know that I've wasted my time with someone like you when there were other guys more worthy of my time surrounding me and I was blind to all of that because I only had eyes for you.

The thing I don't understand is why do you have to do this to me? Are my judging skills so bad that I couldn't see that part in you? The irrational selfish part that likes to torment other people for your own pleasure? I'm disappointed in you, but I'm more disappointed in myself for succumbing to my weakness: you.

A Whole Bunch Of Things That Make No Sense

When everything seems to swirl and you're absolutely sure you haven't taken drugs or consumed any alcohol, you know that something's wrong. Just what is the foothold that you stand on when you climb the big mountain of life? No matter which way you step, no niche in the rocks will ever feel comfortable for your feet. No matter how strong the rocks look, its always crumbled by what people seem to see as the weakest elements; water, wind, sand. I suppose over the years I've learned that pleasing people isn't going to make me happy. As humans, its impossible to become satisfied and you'll always demand more. I guess I always hold back just a little so there's always space to back out of relationships, don't get too attatched. But sometimes, it seems like there are some threads that are impossible to sever. What I've wanted all along still hasn't changed no matter what I tell myself.

I love to hate desire.

No, that doesn't make sense, does it?

No, I don't give a damn.

Yes, that's a double negative statement, grammatically in correct.

I will stop rambling now.

Angry Angry Angry

I need three software programs soon or else I think I'm going to bash my head against my monitor and die from a combination of frustration induced heart disease, anger induced cancer, and bleeding from the head from the head bashing.

I need:

• Some sort of Anti-Virus software
• Adobe Photoshop (legal)
• Microsoft Office

Unfortunately, it will cost me about six hundred dollars combined if I include tax. I don't exactly have that type of money lying down. In fact, I'm flat broke from summer shopping/spending, I was planning to save money by surfing the net as entertainment.

Ramble

Yes, I feel very pissed/depressed right now. Yes, I seem to be feeling like this alot these days. I can feel a headache coming up, I just don't feel like thinking reasonably. I hate logic alot right now, I don't feel like being the person with all the answers or being dependable. Because if I'm one of these, I will always let someone down, someone will always be disappointed in me, someone will always be dissatisfied. The same way I am never satisfied with what I have, the same way I always want something more, something better. No matter what time it is, what happens, I'm never in charge of my life. I'm always obligated to duty, people, morals, rules. I like to see these things on other people. I want the people I can always trust to stay that way, I don't want criminals running loose, at the same time, I want to break free. Its not possible, I know that. I know its not even reasonable for me to want more. I know people starving, dying in Africa should deserve to break free. Children living with abusive parents should deserve to break free. Wives living with abusive husbands deserve to break free. People dying, suffering from deadly illnesses deserve to break free. Not people like me. Not people who haven't done any good for the world or cared very much for people other than ourselves. Perhaps, if I was given the chance to help someone break free, I would give it to someone else that deserves it. In only that could I ever possibly redeem myself for everything that I shouldn't have done and the things that I should have done, but never did. Maybe life is fair. I act like a bitch, people bitch at me. But if I don't do this, people will walk all over me. This goes back to Machivelli's (sp?) theory: Its better to be feared than loved, because people won't oppose a leader out of fear, but there will always be someone not satisfied with a leader they love. I want to be the person everyone loves, but I know that people take advantage of you when you're nice. Sometimes, thinking feels painful. I end up doing more harm than good by trying to figure out my problems. Ignoring them doesn't exactly do a lot of good. My mind feels really cluttered, I just can't get the general feeling of sadness out of myself. I don't think I even deserve to feel sorry for myself. Then what is it that I deserve? Punishment or reward? Most of all, what is it that I want?

Rant

So I'm wallowing in self pity right now and I'm fucking pissed at the whole world, so what? What right do all these non-teenage beings have to criticise me when they do exactly the same? So I'm supposed to be thinking about all the dying and starving people in Africa instead of dwelling on my pity issues? I do think about them and how sad it is that they're starving, but that doesn't mean you have to take away my self-pity rights. Its bad enough that I have to try and not feel like a fucking idiot 24/7, but all these 'mature' people out there have to take a way my self-pity rights. These are basic human rights, right after the right to eat and sleep. No one has the power to tell me to stop doing this. You call sitting in front of the T.V. on Valentines day drinking vodka, eating chocolates, and watching sappy romance movies while complaining about the commercialization of Valentines not self pity? You call masterbating in front of a poster of a supermodel while telling your friends at work that you've had a good fuck over the weekend not denial and self pity all mixed into one package? If one of you can honestly tell me that you have never felt sorry for yourself, then I will stop this self pity and bow down on my knees to you. People always go around saying that teenagers are so disrespectful and stupid and a smudge on the beautiful window of society, but maybe you should all think about respecting us first and actually trying to treat us as people and not overgrown, dangerous toddlers. What about fairness for a change? I'm always too young when I ask for something, but I should always take responsibility because I am now too old to rely on my parents when it comes to them wanting me to do things for them. I come home from school with six fucking A's on my report card and nobody even cares. God, I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm not that stupid, I can tell when you're trying to side step things. I don't even know why I even bother spending all the time doing my homework and actually trying when at the end of the day, I'm still the bitch and the brat. There's all that bullshit about letting your parents down, but whats the fucking point about trying not to do that when they routinely tell me that I let them down anyways? There's no point in trying anyways, no matter how hard I try, they'll never be satisfied. Respect in this fucking house is about how much housework you do. If you clean the toilet, you're the queen of the world. Who cares about the A's? But if you come home with a C in math, its 'you have to spend more time on your schoolwork, don't go on the computer all the time.' Its bad enough that I have to feel like a pathetic loser in front of all those bitches out there, I don't need that at home too. You know what happened on my fifteenth birthday? I came home from school, all happy that all my friends took the time to wish me happy birthday, buy me presents, and surprise me with food even though I didn't have a party. I have this fucking science project due so I spent four hours slaving in front of the computer, then when I finally decide to relax and go on the internet a bit, I am fucking bitched at. Its on my birthday and I can't even have a little fun. By fun, I'm not talking about chugging beer, or getting stoned, I'm just going on the internet and I'm not talking about normal 'bitching.' Its yelling and screaminng and threats that I'm going to get hit if I don't turn the computer off this instant. Its my fucking birthday and I'm yelled/screamed at probably so damn loud that the neighbours probably heard. I spent the rest of my birthday holed up in my room crying while watching Bridget Jones's Diary. One of the worst birthdays ever and I can't even cry to my friends on the phone about it because they won't understand. I'm so jealous of one of my friends, she tells me that she has this ritual with her dad and every night before she goes to bed, she would chat with her dad for a bit and then her dad would tuck her in and she trusts her dad so much. She says that she believes whatever fact her dad tells her. It may sound like she's naive to you but I'm so jealous. I want to be like that, I want to think of my dad as my hero and think whatever he says is right. Maybe I can't have that much but bottom line I want to at least feel respected. I don't want to be called a piece of trash or constantly have my faults listed in front of me. Its bad enough that I don't know who I want to be or what I want and I'm finding all this so confusing and I always seem to be less perfect than someone else, it seems like I can never win in this game. To top that, my parents aren't even taking me seriously. Do you think I've honestly never tried to talk to them about respect, feelings, etc? They just think I learned the speech somewhere or I copied it from some movie. I'm so sick of being lied to, ridiculed, and yelled at. All I want is some time to figure out who I really am and what I really want, is that too much to ask for?

Grrr...

I'm so fucking depressed and angry right now, I don't even feel like putting in the effort to act all perfect and happy-go-lucky. Only my parents can make me feel degraded, stupid, and retarded in under five minutes.