Growing Up

This post is long overdue but I've been so insanely busy lately and my computer is absolutely begging me to throw it out with the amount of times it has screwed up in the past month. Once again, it's September, the days are growing shorter, the weather growing colder, and once again, it's back to school season.
For many years now, going back to school has always given me pretty much the exact same feelings every year: excitement, a little sadness for the official ending of the familiar routines of the previous years, and maybe comparing my height to people I haven't seen for the whole summer in hopes that I have grown a micrometer or two. This year, however, the feeling was a little different. It was as if the idea of "growing up" had finally hit me. I mean, its not as if I've been oblivious to moving through the grades or growing taller over the years, but maybe deep inside, all along, there's a part of me that can't quite grasp the concept of one day being "grown up" and being an adult. Maybe it has something to do with sleeping in the same bedroom since I was six years old. I mean, its not that I think the same way or (thankfully) look the same way I did back when I was six, but whenever I'm asked the classic question of what I want to be when I'm finished with school, it still feels like I'm thinking about what I want to be when I "grow up".
This year, when I walked in the school, I saw that "popular" girls in my grade have given up on the sluttyishly tight TNA clothing and have gone on to wearing clothes that actually look good. Almost everyone worked over the summer and alot of people are still working part-time throughout the school year. I see people from my school working at grocery stores, clothing stores, and fast-food restaurants. I feel like people around me have all blended into the world and I'm still sort of stuck halfway between childhood and the real world.
As I am now a senior high school student, I am leading ten grade eights so they have someone to "look up to" and the school plans activities for them to help them adjust to high school. When I see them, I feel so old. It doesn't seem that long ago when I looked lost in the hallways and everybody not in my grade was a "big kid". I see them facing the same problems that I faced like losing touch with elementary school friends and I suddenly feel so old. Suddenly, I know all the people who are in Cafeteria Class that prepare my lunch who are all senior high school students. Suddenly, my friends are the ones in Vocal Jazz and not some older students that I don't know. Suddenly, I'm lugging around a huge Biology textbook and I realize that high school really doesn't last forever and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

The "M" Word

Oh! The root of all evil, bits of coloured paper that we spend all of our lives labouring over, and something that people claim to hate but we secretly all love it to death: money. I think the older you get, the more the importance of money hits you.
I was five or so when I wanted pizza for lunch instead of leftovers from the night before, I asked for it and my mom said no. "I'll buy it with my own money then!" I exclaimed and dug out my savings from the odd five dollar bill that my dad sometimes gave me. Of course, my mom retorted by yelling loudly, raving about how I haven't even started making money and I was already spending it lavishly and how I'll grow up to be an idiot that only knows how to spend money and not how to make it. The little five year old me tucked the five dollar bill back in my pocket and sat down spooning the leftovers in my mouth, angry tears threatening to fall. Money did not feel too important back then.
I was seven or so and it was my birthday. My dad asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted Pokemon figurines. We went to Zellers and I picked out a box of two 11cm stuffed animal looking figurines in plastic for $11.99. We came home and my mom yelled at me for not picking out something more practical and wasting money on toys like these. She yelled at my dad for buying it for me. Money did not feel too powerful back then.
I was eleven when our class went on a fieldtrip to the province capital. To go there, we each got a box of chocolates and had to sell them to raise money. If you didn't sell them all, then you had to pay for what you didn't sell. My mom and I went to the Skytrain station near where we lived. I stood by the staircase where people left the station and shouted "Chocolates for sale! $3 a box!" Some people bought them from me out of pity, since they had to do the same when they were kids, I got kicked out of there by bus drivers and Skytrain attendants numerous times for selling the chocolates there without a permit. None of my friends had to do this, their parents worked in nice offices and their parents took the huge box to their offices and got them all sold in a day. My mom worked in a factory (still does) and my dad worked as a lowly paid cook in a small restaurant (still lowly paid, not the same restaurant). Their co-workers would never fork out $3 for a small pack of chocolates. My friends lived in nice houses and their parents own two cars. I live in a small apartment and have ridden in public transportation my entire life. Money began to become something important.
Now, my computer is constantly lagging with a RAM of 128MB, I've had it for six years and I want to get a laptop, my parents have said no. I took my Learners driving test today and passed (written test). My mom complained from the moment we left the house (and she's still complaining now) about what a waste of money and time it was. She told me that she didn't think I should drive until I'm 22 and driving lessons would be a waste of money since she didn't think I would be able to get my Novice License with only 20 hours of driving instruction. "Also, I hear of new drivers crashing their fancy sports cars all the time," she said. I don't have a sports car, in fact, we don't have a car, period. I have no college fund and since I went to Asia in July, I can't find a job and I've been looking since I returned. Money feels indeed both powerful and important now.
I think I've become a bit obsessed with making money. I've started writing on Helium, a site that pays you when people read your articles. I'm making pretty much no money right now, please click on the link below and read my articles. If you want to join, please give me your email so I can refer you and earn some extra.

My Helium Account

I'm about three clicks away from adding Google AdSense to this blog and I really don't want to because it would defeat my purpose of having this blog. Plus, I think I'd make about three cents each month with the amount of traffic I get. *Sigh* Money, money, money...

Feelings About Harry Potter 7 (NO SPOILERS)

I finally finished reading the book today! As I was reading it, I was caught between wanting to slow down so the moment of finishing the last HP book would not come so soon and reading quicker to find out what happens next. All I can say is that JKR is brilliant. The tone of the book is definitely not directed towards the kiddie audience of elementary school children. The style of the writing departs sharply from the rest of the series and the contrast between the war and peace could be seen clearly in the way JKR plays with humour. Characters that one could say were important but flat are fully fleshed out. As I was reading the book, I could really see why it took JKR so long to plot out the entire story. There are seven books but it really is one story with a very intricate plot and seemingly unimportant details from previous books are brought up, I must say that I admire her intelligence. The story is deep and rich in wisdom with the way Harry's character develops. The plot twists and turns, its impossible not to be addicted. Alot of theories from fans that I've read online have come true, including theories in the shipping (romance for those of you who don't know) department. I really don't think there's anything left to debate about for the hardcore shippers now, haha.

From reading this book, I could see why I have never really gotten into the Book 7 fanfiction stories. Fanfiction writers usually only use the good side of the characters when they write, JKR knows her characters, she made them come fully to life by exposing their weaknesses and made them react realistically in difficult situations. I guess after reading the book, the story feels complete. I mean, I want to read more in the world of Hogwarts and magic, but at the same time I could see why JKR wouldn't write another book in the Harry Potter series. I still feel sad though. Its as if a long time good friend is moving away. I would still hear from them in the form of phone calls and emails, but its not the same as seeing them in person. The movies will still come out, there's always fanfiction, but its not the same. I think the books have changed my life in the sense that I've discovered the world of fanfiction and the hobby of writing and using writing to express myself when I can't get the words out of my mouth.

I suppose some day, I'll be eighty years old and sitting in my rocking chair telling my grandchildren, "Oh, dearie, I remember when the Harry Potter books came out..." and show them my first edition hardcover books yet again as they clutch their Random House Classics edition in their sweaty little hands.

*sigh* The end of another page in history.

The Louis Vuitton Bag

I'm sure there was a time when someone walked down the street with a Louis Vuitton bag and everyone came to the same conclusion that she was a woman with wealth and class, able to afford such a luxurious and beautifully designed bag. Nowadays, when I walk down the street, especially here in Asia, I see imitation LV bags being sold for less than $5 or $10 in Canadian dollars and everyone from the seven year old that doesn't even know what LV is to the twenty-something wanna be to the forty year old that doesn't give a damn what brand the bag is as long as its useable seems to have one. So now when somebody walks down the street with a LV bag, nobody thinks she's a woman of class and wealth, we're all guessing whether the bag is real or a really good imitation. Its like that with practically every single luxury brand of clothing and accessories. I suppose the reason why people would spend so much money on something in the first place is for the feeling that one can "afford" the luxury and its a status symbol. (Yeah, I know I'm shallow, but come on, everyone has had those moments in life where you need some item to raise your self esteem.) However, the status symbol of these luxury products have diminished significantly due to all the imitations. So by buying the imitations, we've stripped the real product of its meaning. So then we must ask ourselves, what's the point of all of this?

Behind the Chocolate Bar

I'm sure everyone has shopped at a department store at least once in their lives. I'm assuming that since you're reading this blog, you have access to a computer and the internet, you're probably not living in a third world country. What runs through your mind every time you buy a chocolate bar from Wal-Mart or a t-shirt from American Eagle? Slaves harvesting cocoa beans? Somebody working for ten hours a day sewing shirts in an unhygenic enviornment for ten hours a day with pennies as wages? I certainly never thought about that until I read an article about sweatshops in an old issue of Times or Macleans or something like that the other day.
A sweatshop, for those of you who don't know, is basically a factory that offers no benefits for its workers, pays them in pennies, makes them work ten hours or more a day, offers little and badly organized bathroom/lunch breaks, and is usually located in a developing/third world country (i.e. Cambodia, Vietnam, Mexico, etc). Many of these countries have very poor labour laws to protect workers, which is why major brands such as Ralph Lauren and Banana Republic establish factories there to lower the cost of producing their products. While they pay their workers pennies for working ten hours a day, they charge you $60 for a t-shirt...
A very depressing bit of information for me was that 80% of all cocoa beans (main ingredient of chocolate) is harvested by slaves. I'm a chocoholic, I eat alot of chocolate, especially the cheaper candy bar variety such as Kit Kat, Coffee Crisp, Aero, etc. The candy bar types usually aren't Fair Trade chocolates.
Besides slavery and sweatshops, child labour is also another nasty side of producing goods. Children are paid even less to work longer hours since owners believe that smaller bodies = smaller pay. Children are often hired to make things like soccer balls and baseballs because they have smaller fingers and its easier for them to do detailed sewing. Here is the extremely famous picture that proved Nike used child labour to manufacter their products:

Now, I'm not saying that we should abolish child labour in these countries. Before your eyes widen and you re-read the sentence or think that I made a typo, let me explain why. In developing countries, people often have large families and everybody in the family needs to work in order for the family to meet their basic needs. If the government decides to not allow children to be hired for jobs, what will the families do? What we need is labour laws to protect those working children, make sure that they can go to school, they are paid fairly, and they work reasonable hours.
The opposite of slavery, sweatshops, and child labour is products produced under fair trade policies. These policies protect workers' rights and the products to be labeled as "fair trade" so consumers can recognize these products. Fair trade products are usually a bit more expensive than the regular products, but come on. I'd pay fifty cents extra for a chocolate bar knowing that I'm not supporting sweat shops. But I'm not innocent from all of this, let me look at what I'm wearing right now and see where everything is made.

• t-shirt: Mexico
• shorts: China
• bra: Bangladesh
• underwear: Honduras
• socks (technically I'm not wearing them right now, but I was wearing them earlier today): China
• Shoes (same situation as socks): India (Nike brand! I'm ashamed...)

None of these countries have very strict labour laws to protect workers' rights as far as I know. But, the good news is that I found a few sites with info:

Definition and more on Wikipedia
Sweatshop Watch
IFAT

I just searched "sweatshops" on Google, you could probably find alot more info looking up sites yourself. I only found sites on sweatshops but haven't looked up some about child labour and slavery in the chocolate industry. Perhaps somebody could do that and send me a list?

The Unbalanced Scales of Love

Why is it that in a relationship, one person always loves or cares about the other person more? I've been on the side of the relationship where I care more, many, many times. It sucks and I know it. Now I'm on the side where the other person cares more, should I be happy? Maybe I should, but I'm not. Every time I am told something that should theoretically go weak in the knees or blush or be flattered or just something, I just don't feel anything. I feel so guilty every time this happens and I don't feel anything, instead of standing there in awkward silence, I just say something back or I kiss him or something like that just so I feel less guilty. I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm incapable of loving anyone but myself or maybe I'm just a cold and hard-hearted girl.

The Underappreciated Careers

The only thing I can say right now is that April sucks. I'm stressed, pissed off, and slightly sad. Thirty-two people died in a shooting at Virginia Tech, I am once again, going through my college/university options and career choices. In the midst of all this, I succumbed to my unhealthy habit of emotional eating, which led to my realization that one of the most admirable careers in the world was being a farmer. Even with modern technology and huge ass tractors instead of oxen and plow, being a farmer still isn't easy. You have to risk losing your crops to uncontrollable elements like the weather. The biggest reason for my admiration is that farmers are the ones who grow our food. You could be Bill Gates or the King/Prime Minister of Saudi Arabia, it doesn't matter. If you want your lettuce and tomatoes. If you want your bacon and eggs, you get it from the farmers. Despite all of this, my mental image of farmers has always been some guy in overalls, boots drenched in mud, pulling stuff from his field. What were my feelings towards a farming career? It seemed so... backwards and unambitious. Its like those movie cliches where the uneducated boy in plaid and overalls has a piece of straw or wheat or whatever it is hanging out of their mouth and start talking with a strange accent while sitting on top of a rusty old tractor. But I suddenly realized how important farmers were in my life. They don't exactly affect me directly but I have three meals a day (not including snacks) and the food definitely didn't appear spontaneously out of mid air. Of course, my parents paid cold hard cash for the food, but I still admire those farmers out there. I certainly can't imagine waking up at five in the morning to tend to my crops or anything like that. People go around thinking off all these professions that influence people: doctors, lawyers, politicians... Nobody ever thinks about the people who grow the food that the influential people eat to stay alive and be influential in the first place.

This led me to think about all the other underappreciated careers there are out there. What about garbage collectors? I never thought much about the neon orange/yellow vest wearing individuals who I notice pull by every now and then to pick up the garbage. (I live in an apartment so we have a garbage compactor, therefore there isn't the generic vision of the garbage man/woman pulling up to the front of my house and collecting the trash) A few summers ago, (now that I think of it, quite a few summers ago) the garbage collectors went on strike. I don't think it takes too much explaining to feel the agony of walking past an alley on a hot summer's day with the stench of weeks of garbage wafting over to you.

Oh no, I just heard on the news that the garbage collectors might be having a strike again! Just as the weather is growing warmer....

Now I'm completely off topic and should probably go back to working on my fanfic.

A Good Christian Girl

Despite the picture, this is not a post mocking religion or anything like that.

During one of the heiniously long Theatre Company rehearsals the other day, I was talking to one of my friends (he's a guy) about various things and both of us were the type of people that don't find it very awkward to discuss sex and stuff like that. So we were talking about reading smut and watching porn and he said with a half-surprised tone, "I thought you were a good church-going Christian girl." Even though he didn't say it seriously, that line stuck in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it and I suddenly felt like a very, very bad person. I felt like I was slandering the religion by being such a bad representation of Christianity. It striked me all of a sudden that my confused emotions towards religion was not because of certain beliefs of the church that I go to, the problems come from me. All along, I was just looking for the excuse to allow myself to break all the commandments in the Bible. I realize that just because I disagree with one belief from my church doesn't mean I should stop following the basic beliefs of Christianity. It doesn't making okay for me to be selfish or to lie. I never stopped believing that God existed in the first place, I was too lazy and weak to follow His rules.
This also lead to another thought: how did I get from the "cooties" stage of childhood to enjoying being...sexual. I remember the nurse coming in to talk to us about sex and condoms in grade five. I couldn't imagine anybody wanting to have sex. Having somebody stick the place where they pee into my "private part" didn't sound very enjoyable at all. I couldn't imagine my parents having sex. Surely there must be some other way of making babies besides having sex, right? Masterbating... why would anyone do that? Mom always says that its dirty "down there" and you should only touch it with your hands when you clean it. Having sex before marriage?! Out of the question! Everyone knows only bad people do that! Now that I look back on how I used to see these things, I feel that I've both grown up and have lost my touch of innocence. I feel a little sad when I look back. The boundaries of good and evil seemed so much clearer back then.
Now this lead on to a thought about morals. (yes, I obviously have no life, therefore I have alot of time to ponder about things) Where does our sense of conscience and morals come from anyhow? Christians get it from the Bible, from the ten commandments. Stealing, lying, and cheating on your lover is bad becuase God tells us so. Then where do the atheists get their conciences from? If concience is something that is instilled in us since the moment we are born, I think that is a sign that God is truly with every one of us.

Am I a good Christian girl? I think I know the answer to that one. Do I want to be a good Christian girl? Maybe that is truly the question I need to ask myself.

Determination Versus Bravery

Sometimes, I wonder if its braver to suck it up and stay in an unpleasant situation or just to walk away and give up. If you stay, you're suffering, but its familiar routine. If you quit, sometimes you find yourself missing the old familiar routine and some fun aspects of it that you didn't realize was there before. But it takes bravery to stand up and leave a familiar enviornment behind. Then you have all these sayings like "Winners never quit, quitters never win". I guess I'm one of the losers in between like the picture above; constantly halfway between quitting and continuing on. Always wanting to take the stairs to the fitness centre but ending up on the escalators anyways.

*sigh*

Bored

I think I'm at the point in my life where I'm absolutely bored of everything and I'm dying for some sort of change. Everything I do seems to be for the purpose of completing a task or living up to a commitment. Nothing seems fun and shocking. I need to go out and see the world; meet some new weirdos that I have yet to get used to their weirdness and away from people who already have expecations of who I am. I want to hear music from another land, inspire new people and in turn, be inspired by their differences. I need to get away from this similarity in my life that seems to blend one day into the next. For once, I want to wake up in the morning and not know what's going to happen throughout the day.

Argh, I need a vacation or a drink.

Maybe both would be nice.

Unbelievably Lost and Confused

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life right now, I feel so confused and lost. It seems like lately, I've been changing my life in a decisive and dramatic fashion. I've had my eyes set on such impossible and bizzare goals. At the same time, I question whether or not I'm making the right decision. Am I screwing things up rather than changing my life for better?
I quit the Ultimate Frisbee team because it took me two years to realize that I never liked the sport in the first place. What I liked about it was the feeling of togetherness when I played side by side with my team members and the feeling that I belonged. I only joined in the first place because my friends joined and I didn't want to feel left out. I remembered in grade eight when they all joined the Library Club and it seemed too boring for me so I didn't join. I ended up sitting alone by my locker whenever they had meetings; I didn't want a repeat of the same events with Ultimate. So for two years, I spent every practice staring at my watch, hoping for practice to end soon. My skills improved, but not enough for anyone to pass to me during a game. I would run around for two hours, get exercise, but never get the disc. My friends were (and still are) crazy about the sport, I played along, but always felt like such a fake afterwards. I guess I'm finally tired of pretending. My friends don't quite grasp the concept that I don't like Ultimate and just think that I'm being irresponsible and lazy. I would explain again but its not worth my time to do so and I'm not obliged to explain anything to anyone in the first place.
With my friends, lately, I've been confiding in my guy friends more than my close girl friends. Around my female friends, I feel the pressure to act like a goody-goody. They are the type of people who would feel awkward and embarassed if the subject of sex ever came up and have probably never said the f-word once in their lives. With my guy friends, it seems so much easier to confide in them because there isn't the pressure to censor everything before it comes out of my mouth when I feel the need to rant. But at the same time, I miss the closeness that I share with them, but then I don't really want to seek them out and talk. I guess the arrogant side of me thinks that if they don't come to me, why should I waste my time going to them? I don't know whether I want to stand out amongst my firends or fit in. When I stand out, I feel lonely and left out, but whe I fit in, I feel as though I'm just a part of the crowd and not a distinct person.
With religion, I am especially confused. In a sense, its too deeply imbedded in me for me to ever practice Wicca or become a Buddhist or anything like that, but I always feel so fake whenever I sit in a church. Most of the things that the pastor tells me not to do, I don't want to stop. As much as it sounds so great to many people to be all moral and everything, its just not me. There's so many don'ts in Christianity. Don't think lustful thoughts, don't masterbate, don't date non-Christians, don't have sex before marriage, don't swear or take the name of the Lord in vain. Most of all, the thing that disturbs me the most is how intolerant Christianity can be. I remember that one sermon that probably planted the seed of doubt in my mind. Apparently, according to my pastor, being homosexual is a sin and isn't something that you are born with but something that you choose. Despite being straight, this is exactly the opposite of what I believe in. I believe that people should love whomever they wish without being prosecuted.
With my future career, I want to be something that involves writing. I want to be a journalist and make a difference in the world with my opinons. My goal is to some day, be as influential the way Oriana Fallaci was. But at the same time, I know that being a journalist is not a very stable career and not very many journalists manage to make it big. Also, being a successful journalist would mean sacrificing the opportunnity to get married and start a family. Even though I highly doubt I'll ever be a wife and mother, the idea of living alone for the rest of my life does not sound very appealing. Plus, I could be sacrificing this and still turn out to be unsuccessful. I've also thought about being an English teacher. I had the chance to teach a Drama 8 class the other day and it felt really good. The teacher thought I was great and I had a great time. On the toher hand, being a teacher isn't exactly feeding my ambitious dreams. But educating the society of tommorow is a very rewarding thing. I don't even know where I'm going for college yet. I want to go somewhere far away, experience life, see the world, and get away from my parents. But I know I can't afford it because my parents never started a college fund for me. Despite my Honour-Roll grades, my parents never felt that they should save up for my education. In fact, they were about to start a college fund for me a couple of years ago when tehy learned that the Canadian government gives $500 to your fund or something, but they gave up on the notion when they realized that the child had to be under 12 or else the government wouldn't pay you anything.
Argh, I hope I'll pull my act together in the end.

Open-Closed Mind

So I saw in a newspaper today that Hilary Clinton was running for President in the United States and I remembered a conversation I had with someone a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about how the way people thought changed over time and prejudices about race and women changed. When you think about it, really it hasn't changed much. Think about politicians. How many are women? When David Emerson switched from the Liberal Party to the Conservatives after the Conservatives won the election, sure they called him a traitor and all but they didn't say he was "whoring" himself in the parliament the way the did when Belinda Stronach switched from the Conservatives to the Liberals. The Premier of Alberta commented that "Belinda Stronach never had a Conservative bone in her body except for one, if you know what I mean" referring to her ex-boyfriend that was also in the Conservative Party. I mean, alot of male Politicians have been involved in scandals, but the media just doesn't seem to judge them unfairly the way they judge women. Even in wages for common people. For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes sixty-seven cents. If a man isn't married by thirty-sixish or so and he has a great career, he's an eligable bachelor. If a woman was in the same situation, people tend to look at her as if she has some sort of problem for wanting to establish a career before having a family. Even my parents comment that "a girl shouldn't be this messy" or "even boys clean up more than you do".

Are we really open-minded? I somehow don't think so.

Understood...or not?

This is one of those questions that I always ask myself: do I want to be understood or not? It always feels good when you have someone agreeing with you; reassuring you that your point of view is "correct". I mean, that's the reason why we spend all those hours on the phone with friends, right? That's why we spend so much time arguing with people until we finally get them to agree with our point. At the same time, I feel like I don't want to expose that part of myself to people. Maybe its reading way too much historical fiction novels or something but I feel like if I do tell somebody so much about myself, I have no backup plan if somebody decides to backstab me. I mean, there's that bit of an almost guilty pleasure knowing that you're not what people think you are. Of course, that causes problems because then I have one more thing to pity myself for when I'm feeling all depressed and shitty: "nobody understands me". I suppose at the same time, there's the big romantic inside of me hoping to find that one guy that I can trust enough and we can be soulmates and all that bullshit. Though of course, there's always that whole thing about how your lover can't be your best friend because then you wouldn't have anyone to complain to about your lover.

"Don't let your morals get in the way of doing what is best for the patient."

http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/story.html?id=81b8727e-b470-4382-a646-386121d9109c

Okay, saw this link on Google News today and my first thoughts at the reading the caption underneath the picture was "this is sick". Basically, the parents of a nine year old girl with the mental state of a 3-6 month old baby had her uterus, breasts, and appendix removed and placed her on Estrogen treatment for two years to stunt her growth and development so it would be easier for them to take care of her. Of course, something like this will have millions of people arguing and debating over whether or not its morally correct to be "altering what God has created" or "deciding what's best for the patient". On the other hand, you have the argument that the life of the patient would improve if it was easier for the parents to take care of the girl and its not like the girl can tell the difference anyways since she has the mentality of a baby less than a year old. I suppose I have no right to express my opinions about this since I have no personal experience in taking care of somebody in that way and I'm not a manically obsessed theologist or anything. It was just something that stuck on my mind after I read it.

Irreplaceable?

I think by now most of us have realized that nothing and nobody is ever irreplaceable. When someone tells you that you'll never be replaced in their lives, its obvious bullshit. Just think back to your best friend in grade 2, how you hung out with them every day and ate your PB&J sandwiches together at lunch. After they moved away, did you bother to stay in touch? To this day, you probably don't even remember what they looked like, let along what the name of the person was. Same with everything else, maybe your computer broke down, yay! You can get a new one that runs faster.

In the same way that you've replaced me, I've replaced you. Go ahead and flirt with all my friends, walk all of them home, pretend to be a gentleman, I don't give a damn.

He's Just Not That Into You

Intuition, female or male is something that guides us. An inner instinct that we use in everything from whether to cross the street when some creepy guy approaches to how we move our lips when we kiss. But sometimes, it just seems like intuition gets clouded. When you want something badly enough, it seems like your mind creates illusions to humour you. When he sits next to you, you feel like he's sitting just a bit closer than he needs to. When he dances with you, you think he might be holding you just a little closer. When he talks to you, it seems like you're the only person in the world. When he sees you passing by the hallway, he always does something to show that he sees you, and you're special. But as time goes by, you notice that he treats other girls the same way, he never calls or msgs, yet you still cling on. In an almost pathetic sort of way, you replay all the good memories of him you have, all the times he's done something sweet. You find yourself remembering all the conversations you've had with him. Finally, in desperation, you find yourself going after him, but he brushes you off like a piece of lint. You're not important to him, you never were. You were just another girl out of the sea of a million faces. Finally, you take a step back and look at the big picture. Its as if you've been released from chains, shackles. Because now, you've woken up, you've realized that he's just not that into you.

The Blame Game

Sunday September seventeenth. Its drizzling outside, the sky a depressing shade of grey, weather of winter, me sitting in front of my computer. The weather of course, isn't the only depressing thing that seems to linger in the air. Just last week, a twenty five year old takes three machine guns into Dawson College in Montreal and starts randomly shooting students. One girl was killed and I think nineteen injured in the hospital with three still in critical condition. As usual, when something major like this happens, every newspaper, television station, and radio station drags every specialist they can think of out to talk about why someone might be compelled to do this, have some psychologist talk about emotions, the dangers of violent video games and the goth culture, etc. I suppose I have no right to talk about these things since I'm not a psychologist and I'm not directly affected by this incident, but I'm going to be a big mouth and talk about them anyways. I'm not a goth, I don't have any goth friends, I don't know much about the culture except for the fact that Marilyn Manson wears too much makeup and they sort of have this facisnation with death. On the other hand, I suppose all of us do. After all, every religion answers the question of what happens after you die and most horror movies use death, violent spirits, or haunted places as their central theme. I saw on the newspaper that the guy said that 'Life is like a video game, everyone has to die sometime.' If he were some nobel prize winner and he said that I think people would marvel at his philsophy and wisdom, of course because we know a murderer said this, it brings this chill in your heart. When someone goes out there and shoots twenty odd people for no reason and kills one, can we really blame Grand Theft Auto and Marilyn Manson? Do we ever think about what would really drive someone to do something like that in the first place? As a human, besides our basic needs of food and water, we also have other needs of survival. Things like love, friendship, and companionship. It sounds corny and Hallmark-y but its true. Could you imagine your life without anybody to call when you're bored or have no shoulder to cry on when you really need it? Memories are very complex things and can pop up when we least realize it. It leaves a deeper scar than any physical injury and will never heal completely. We can blame others all we want, but we are the ones to blame. If you've ever put down someone even without words, maybe with your head or with your body language. Maybe you stand further away from someone waiting for the bus with you because he has ragged clothes as opposed to the guy wearing a suit and tie. Maybe you don't want to talk to someone because they're 'uncool'. Maybe you don't want to go out with someone because they're 'not good enough'. Everything builds up over time. I've done most of these things before, I'm not a nice person, I admit that I automatically judge people when I see them, conciously and subconciously. All I'm saying is that we should at least make an effort to prevent creating another person angry at the world, determined to kill themselves in the most violent way possible and taking down as many people as they can along with them.

My greatest condolances to the family of the girl that was killed and I hope all the injured get well soon. Any school, no matter how boring, how difficult, should be safe. Nothing should ever change that.

The Woes of Technology

Seventy dollars, thirty minutes of installation, hours of virus/spyware scanning later, my computer is now completely clean thanks to Internet Security Suite. Its not protected with firewall, unfortunately, this means that my internet connection is currently three times slower than before and it wasn't that fast to begin with. And I can't sign into my msn messenger account even after adjusting the program settings on firewall.

How I hate technology.

The Meaning of Life

Just a few minutes before, my computer decided to crash again and I just flopped down onto my bed in frustration. Twice in two days, I felt like shit. Then I had a sudden thought, is this how my life is? My happiness depending on a machine? What is the meaning of life anyways? To fall in love? To help others? To change the world? Who am I? What do I want? What is my purpose on this planet? Am I causing harm or good? Have I left my imprint on this Earth so that my life has not been lived in vain? Do I have a place in someone's heart that will never be erased? Have I succeeded in my goals yet? Do I even have goals?! Where is my life heading? Will I be able to look back to my life as I feel life draining away from me and honestly say I'm proud of what I accomplished? Have I found my meaning of life?

My head is going to explode.

Evolution

I know this is very nerdy of me, but I always wondered how it must have felt for neanderthals (sp?) when evolution first started. I mean, it might have started off with the baby with the slightly weird chin, then that baby grows up and has a kid with the same chin. At first, the odd chin is shunned from the rest of the clan, then eventually as time goes past, everyone in the clan has the weird chin. But what about the initial fear of the first guy with the weird chin? He must have felt like a freak at first, but eventually the weird chin must have helped him survive. (don't ask me how) while the "normal chin" people died out. So are we still evolving today? You hear of these babies born with weird, almost mutated functions (or perhaps a product from me watching too much X-Men) could it be that they're evolving? Could it be that someday, a new species of humans will walk the Earth and Homo Sapiens Sapiens will become extinct? Will there be archeologists studying our remains and houses? Will my diary be placed into a museum? They'll probably talk about our primitive wedgy alphabet and they'll probably think that braces are some sort of rank distinguishing jewelry and lockers will be coffins and shopping malls will be regarded as palaces. Computers will be some sort of shrine placed in people's homes. I mean, its entirely possible that we think people before us had primitive cultures but maybe they didn't and its just the way we're interpreting it.

Well, what a surprise. The rambling nerd strikes again!