Ramble

Yes, I feel very pissed/depressed right now. Yes, I seem to be feeling like this alot these days. I can feel a headache coming up, I just don't feel like thinking reasonably. I hate logic alot right now, I don't feel like being the person with all the answers or being dependable. Because if I'm one of these, I will always let someone down, someone will always be disappointed in me, someone will always be dissatisfied. The same way I am never satisfied with what I have, the same way I always want something more, something better. No matter what time it is, what happens, I'm never in charge of my life. I'm always obligated to duty, people, morals, rules. I like to see these things on other people. I want the people I can always trust to stay that way, I don't want criminals running loose, at the same time, I want to break free. Its not possible, I know that. I know its not even reasonable for me to want more. I know people starving, dying in Africa should deserve to break free. Children living with abusive parents should deserve to break free. Wives living with abusive husbands deserve to break free. People dying, suffering from deadly illnesses deserve to break free. Not people like me. Not people who haven't done any good for the world or cared very much for people other than ourselves. Perhaps, if I was given the chance to help someone break free, I would give it to someone else that deserves it. In only that could I ever possibly redeem myself for everything that I shouldn't have done and the things that I should have done, but never did. Maybe life is fair. I act like a bitch, people bitch at me. But if I don't do this, people will walk all over me. This goes back to Machivelli's (sp?) theory: Its better to be feared than loved, because people won't oppose a leader out of fear, but there will always be someone not satisfied with a leader they love. I want to be the person everyone loves, but I know that people take advantage of you when you're nice. Sometimes, thinking feels painful. I end up doing more harm than good by trying to figure out my problems. Ignoring them doesn't exactly do a lot of good. My mind feels really cluttered, I just can't get the general feeling of sadness out of myself. I don't think I even deserve to feel sorry for myself. Then what is it that I deserve? Punishment or reward? Most of all, what is it that I want?