A Good Christian Girl

Despite the picture, this is not a post mocking religion or anything like that.

During one of the heiniously long Theatre Company rehearsals the other day, I was talking to one of my friends (he's a guy) about various things and both of us were the type of people that don't find it very awkward to discuss sex and stuff like that. So we were talking about reading smut and watching porn and he said with a half-surprised tone, "I thought you were a good church-going Christian girl." Even though he didn't say it seriously, that line stuck in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it and I suddenly felt like a very, very bad person. I felt like I was slandering the religion by being such a bad representation of Christianity. It striked me all of a sudden that my confused emotions towards religion was not because of certain beliefs of the church that I go to, the problems come from me. All along, I was just looking for the excuse to allow myself to break all the commandments in the Bible. I realize that just because I disagree with one belief from my church doesn't mean I should stop following the basic beliefs of Christianity. It doesn't making okay for me to be selfish or to lie. I never stopped believing that God existed in the first place, I was too lazy and weak to follow His rules.
This also lead to another thought: how did I get from the "cooties" stage of childhood to enjoying being...sexual. I remember the nurse coming in to talk to us about sex and condoms in grade five. I couldn't imagine anybody wanting to have sex. Having somebody stick the place where they pee into my "private part" didn't sound very enjoyable at all. I couldn't imagine my parents having sex. Surely there must be some other way of making babies besides having sex, right? Masterbating... why would anyone do that? Mom always says that its dirty "down there" and you should only touch it with your hands when you clean it. Having sex before marriage?! Out of the question! Everyone knows only bad people do that! Now that I look back on how I used to see these things, I feel that I've both grown up and have lost my touch of innocence. I feel a little sad when I look back. The boundaries of good and evil seemed so much clearer back then.
Now this lead on to a thought about morals. (yes, I obviously have no life, therefore I have alot of time to ponder about things) Where does our sense of conscience and morals come from anyhow? Christians get it from the Bible, from the ten commandments. Stealing, lying, and cheating on your lover is bad becuase God tells us so. Then where do the atheists get their conciences from? If concience is something that is instilled in us since the moment we are born, I think that is a sign that God is truly with every one of us.

Am I a good Christian girl? I think I know the answer to that one. Do I want to be a good Christian girl? Maybe that is truly the question I need to ask myself.