A Good Christian Girl

Despite the picture, this is not a post mocking religion or anything like that.

During one of the heiniously long Theatre Company rehearsals the other day, I was talking to one of my friends (he's a guy) about various things and both of us were the type of people that don't find it very awkward to discuss sex and stuff like that. So we were talking about reading smut and watching porn and he said with a half-surprised tone, "I thought you were a good church-going Christian girl." Even though he didn't say it seriously, that line stuck in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it and I suddenly felt like a very, very bad person. I felt like I was slandering the religion by being such a bad representation of Christianity. It striked me all of a sudden that my confused emotions towards religion was not because of certain beliefs of the church that I go to, the problems come from me. All along, I was just looking for the excuse to allow myself to break all the commandments in the Bible. I realize that just because I disagree with one belief from my church doesn't mean I should stop following the basic beliefs of Christianity. It doesn't making okay for me to be selfish or to lie. I never stopped believing that God existed in the first place, I was too lazy and weak to follow His rules.
This also lead to another thought: how did I get from the "cooties" stage of childhood to enjoying being...sexual. I remember the nurse coming in to talk to us about sex and condoms in grade five. I couldn't imagine anybody wanting to have sex. Having somebody stick the place where they pee into my "private part" didn't sound very enjoyable at all. I couldn't imagine my parents having sex. Surely there must be some other way of making babies besides having sex, right? Masterbating... why would anyone do that? Mom always says that its dirty "down there" and you should only touch it with your hands when you clean it. Having sex before marriage?! Out of the question! Everyone knows only bad people do that! Now that I look back on how I used to see these things, I feel that I've both grown up and have lost my touch of innocence. I feel a little sad when I look back. The boundaries of good and evil seemed so much clearer back then.
Now this lead on to a thought about morals. (yes, I obviously have no life, therefore I have alot of time to ponder about things) Where does our sense of conscience and morals come from anyhow? Christians get it from the Bible, from the ten commandments. Stealing, lying, and cheating on your lover is bad becuase God tells us so. Then where do the atheists get their conciences from? If concience is something that is instilled in us since the moment we are born, I think that is a sign that God is truly with every one of us.

Am I a good Christian girl? I think I know the answer to that one. Do I want to be a good Christian girl? Maybe that is truly the question I need to ask myself.

Determination Versus Bravery

Sometimes, I wonder if its braver to suck it up and stay in an unpleasant situation or just to walk away and give up. If you stay, you're suffering, but its familiar routine. If you quit, sometimes you find yourself missing the old familiar routine and some fun aspects of it that you didn't realize was there before. But it takes bravery to stand up and leave a familiar enviornment behind. Then you have all these sayings like "Winners never quit, quitters never win". I guess I'm one of the losers in between like the picture above; constantly halfway between quitting and continuing on. Always wanting to take the stairs to the fitness centre but ending up on the escalators anyways.

*sigh*

No Life in April

See those orange X's? Thats all the days I have to stay after school for Theatre Company rehearsals. As you can see, I will have no life at all in April and no time for fanfiction. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Why I Hate To Cry

Despite all the reports about how crying is healthy and it does actually feel good afterwards, I don't like crying. I guess its from when I was little and my parents would yell and me and hit me more if I started crying so I just learned to suck it up and hold it in. I hate how weak I feel when I get all choked up by sobs and the mountain of kleenex keeps piling up as I get all slobbery and I feel like sinking into a puddle. Like today, I know I shouldn't care about what other people think. But it hurts to think of these people holding their grudges because I disagreed with them and talking behind my back saying stuff like "I want to slap her [me] across the face" when every time they forget a line or stumble in a play, I was the one encouraging them. It makes me question why the hell I stayed in theatre company despite all the times I said I was quitting. Its so hard to stand on stage for hours during rehearsal and wonder whether I'm amongst friends or enemies. I felt like crying all day after I knew what these people were saying. Of course, the other part of me wanted to snap her fucking neck into two pieces but thats a whole other feeling. Finally, at home, talking to the only friend I could trust, I cried. I felt like a loser for crying, but I know that after the kleenex is cleared up and the tears are dried, I, once again, stand strong.

Post-vacation Lag

I sometimes wonder whether or not the vacation is really worth the suffering when its over and its the first day back to my normal routine. Not only is today the first day back from spring break, but its also a Monday. Lets just say, it took me fifteen minutes to drag myself out of bed this morning and I can't even describe the effort involved to keep my eyes open while brushing my teeth and having breakfast. In fact, as bizzare as it may sound; even with my mp3 player on at full blast and the icy early-spring morning breeze attacking my face, I felt sleepy while walking to school. In fact, throughout the entire day, I had to fight to stay awake in class. Even while typing this post I want to sleep. You may be wondering why I'm posting instead of sleeping. The reason: homework on the first day back.

I will not fall asleep, I will not fall asleep, I will not fall asleep...

Bored

I think I'm at the point in my life where I'm absolutely bored of everything and I'm dying for some sort of change. Everything I do seems to be for the purpose of completing a task or living up to a commitment. Nothing seems fun and shocking. I need to go out and see the world; meet some new weirdos that I have yet to get used to their weirdness and away from people who already have expecations of who I am. I want to hear music from another land, inspire new people and in turn, be inspired by their differences. I need to get away from this similarity in my life that seems to blend one day into the next. For once, I want to wake up in the morning and not know what's going to happen throughout the day.

Argh, I need a vacation or a drink.

Maybe both would be nice.

From Me To You

Me.

I stand with my white jacket stained,
School bag on my back.
I am muddled, confused, and lost.
I tell you, I need an excuse to arrive late.
You promise to stay.

You, a crown of forbidden glory on your head,
Heart humble on your sleeve.
Voice deep like a man's,
Laughs coming easily like a boy's.

I call out and you reply.
Words flow out like a stream,
We turn a block from school.
I laugh and you smile,
Another corner in the path.

I whisper goodbye,
You smile and wave.
As I walk away;
Away from your scent,
Away from your voice,
Away from your heart.

I find myself melting,
Melting into,

You.

Unbelievably Lost and Confused

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life right now, I feel so confused and lost. It seems like lately, I've been changing my life in a decisive and dramatic fashion. I've had my eyes set on such impossible and bizzare goals. At the same time, I question whether or not I'm making the right decision. Am I screwing things up rather than changing my life for better?
I quit the Ultimate Frisbee team because it took me two years to realize that I never liked the sport in the first place. What I liked about it was the feeling of togetherness when I played side by side with my team members and the feeling that I belonged. I only joined in the first place because my friends joined and I didn't want to feel left out. I remembered in grade eight when they all joined the Library Club and it seemed too boring for me so I didn't join. I ended up sitting alone by my locker whenever they had meetings; I didn't want a repeat of the same events with Ultimate. So for two years, I spent every practice staring at my watch, hoping for practice to end soon. My skills improved, but not enough for anyone to pass to me during a game. I would run around for two hours, get exercise, but never get the disc. My friends were (and still are) crazy about the sport, I played along, but always felt like such a fake afterwards. I guess I'm finally tired of pretending. My friends don't quite grasp the concept that I don't like Ultimate and just think that I'm being irresponsible and lazy. I would explain again but its not worth my time to do so and I'm not obliged to explain anything to anyone in the first place.
With my friends, lately, I've been confiding in my guy friends more than my close girl friends. Around my female friends, I feel the pressure to act like a goody-goody. They are the type of people who would feel awkward and embarassed if the subject of sex ever came up and have probably never said the f-word once in their lives. With my guy friends, it seems so much easier to confide in them because there isn't the pressure to censor everything before it comes out of my mouth when I feel the need to rant. But at the same time, I miss the closeness that I share with them, but then I don't really want to seek them out and talk. I guess the arrogant side of me thinks that if they don't come to me, why should I waste my time going to them? I don't know whether I want to stand out amongst my firends or fit in. When I stand out, I feel lonely and left out, but whe I fit in, I feel as though I'm just a part of the crowd and not a distinct person.
With religion, I am especially confused. In a sense, its too deeply imbedded in me for me to ever practice Wicca or become a Buddhist or anything like that, but I always feel so fake whenever I sit in a church. Most of the things that the pastor tells me not to do, I don't want to stop. As much as it sounds so great to many people to be all moral and everything, its just not me. There's so many don'ts in Christianity. Don't think lustful thoughts, don't masterbate, don't date non-Christians, don't have sex before marriage, don't swear or take the name of the Lord in vain. Most of all, the thing that disturbs me the most is how intolerant Christianity can be. I remember that one sermon that probably planted the seed of doubt in my mind. Apparently, according to my pastor, being homosexual is a sin and isn't something that you are born with but something that you choose. Despite being straight, this is exactly the opposite of what I believe in. I believe that people should love whomever they wish without being prosecuted.
With my future career, I want to be something that involves writing. I want to be a journalist and make a difference in the world with my opinons. My goal is to some day, be as influential the way Oriana Fallaci was. But at the same time, I know that being a journalist is not a very stable career and not very many journalists manage to make it big. Also, being a successful journalist would mean sacrificing the opportunnity to get married and start a family. Even though I highly doubt I'll ever be a wife and mother, the idea of living alone for the rest of my life does not sound very appealing. Plus, I could be sacrificing this and still turn out to be unsuccessful. I've also thought about being an English teacher. I had the chance to teach a Drama 8 class the other day and it felt really good. The teacher thought I was great and I had a great time. On the toher hand, being a teacher isn't exactly feeding my ambitious dreams. But educating the society of tommorow is a very rewarding thing. I don't even know where I'm going for college yet. I want to go somewhere far away, experience life, see the world, and get away from my parents. But I know I can't afford it because my parents never started a college fund for me. Despite my Honour-Roll grades, my parents never felt that they should save up for my education. In fact, they were about to start a college fund for me a couple of years ago when tehy learned that the Canadian government gives $500 to your fund or something, but they gave up on the notion when they realized that the child had to be under 12 or else the government wouldn't pay you anything.
Argh, I hope I'll pull my act together in the end.

Theatre Company Woes

I've never really quite understood why the world of celebrities always seemed to be filled with assorted scandals until recently. I was a drama student ever since I entered high school. Even before that, I always enjoyed giving oral presentations and being on stage for a few moments in an assembly or a small scale play. I love acting, it gives me a chance to be someone else for a period of time on stage. The first time I was in a large scale school play, I felt like I was the one tht held the audience's attention, in the spotlight, they only had eyes for me. It was a feeling of triumph, ecstasy, and power like no other. Afterwards, people came up to me and told me I did a good job and that it felt cool to see someone they knew on stage. I auditioned for the Theatre Company at my school, the drama class that produces the large production plays and is made up of the best actors in the entire school. I got in and for most of the year, it was a good experience. I had the chance to meet people from different grades and had the opportunnity to not only act in many quality productions but also opportunnities to work with industry professionals. However, in the past couple of days, I discovered the uglier side of being in a room full of actors.
Now I'm going to admit to you right now that actors for the most part are egotistical people and I'm including myself in this comparison, even though I'm speaking in a third-person perspective. In a sense, I suppose its understandable. Actors are the ones with the ability to remain composed despite of nerves, they're the ones with the loudest voices, and the ones with the best lying and deceiving skills. However, its getting to the point where its getting absolutely out of hand and I can't stand it anymore. This is the situation: every year, we put on at least one huge production. This year however, we are in a bit of trouble. There were problems with budgeting for the original script chosen, so we couldn't do that. Our drama teacher, and right now I'm going to say this for anybody out there who has not been to a single drama class/workshop: I have never met a normal drama teacher before; they all seem to be eccentric in some way. Anyhow, the drama teacher brings in this woman with ideas that are....rather more appropriate for the sixties. Lets just say, we're not into the whole hippie stuff anymore. So the entire group confronted the teacher, we didn't like where this was going. After much argument, it was decided that we would come up with something on our own. We decided to do a Shakespeare production, I have no disagreements with that. After all, Shakespeare is considered to be one of the greatest playwrights of all time, it'll be pretty interesting to work on that. But, there's a select group of people that I have not had a problem with until this point in time. All they want to do is to be "funny". Now I put that in quotations because humour can be divided into two categories. There's the good kind and the crap kind. The good kind would be like the movie "Forrest Gump", where humour is written in a way that makes you laugh from the heart; with clever dialogue and an intelligent but comedic story. The crap humour would be like "Date Movie". Its humour that gives you a quick laugh, but you leave the movie theatre/playhouse with nothing. For some reason, a particular group of people feel the need to make the play "funny". Well, that's alright, different strokes for different folks, right? You like the play funny, I want something with more substance. Its the way they're acting that pisses me off. They wanted to completely change Shakespeare. This isn't the part that's annoying yet. I didn't like the idea much though. Having all the characters in the tragedies fake their death and then pair Hamlet up with Juliet, Ophelia with Nick Bottom in donkey form(wtf?!), etc. Okay, in a way its sort of like fanfiction, I can deal with that. I did however strongly disagree with quite a few of the changes they made and sort of became the voice of half of the Theatre Company that agreed with me. The leader of the other side seemed hell-bent on having me as the co-script writer for some reason despite my open opposition against his ideas. But he was probably hoping that if I would be bribed with the opportunnity to write the script for the school play and stop telling him that his ideas are crap. Then we had this huge discussion with half of the class that cared, me, him, and the teacher. The disagreement was more between me and him and the teacher was more on my side. So finally, she decides that we should just find a new script thats already written up that we can all agree on using instead of wasting our time arguing about a script that hasn't even been written yet. So we look for scripts and hey automatically trash every script we come up with without even looking at the script. In fact, they trash talked everyone that didn't agree with their ideas. They automatically assumed that if it wasn't a comedy written by them, it was crap. In fact, this is what one of them said: "The play can be sad, but it has to be funny." Is it just me or does that make no sense at all?
This is where the uglier side of actors comes in. We can all lie and conceal our hatred and emotions so well that you seem to not know who is truly your friend. The person who says they support you in front of you will turn and tell somebody else that they think you're not worthy enough for Theatre Company. I'm sick of constantly having to choose between expressing my opinion and not being hated by the actors, at least the select few that seem to have a problem with people who disagree with them. In fact, as surprising as it may sound, alot of the actors are followers, not leaders, as you can see with the quote earlier. I'm embarassed to be associated with people like that.

I'm quitting.

Siege

I've been hacked, both my computer and msn account was hacked yesterday. I feel like I'm in one of those historical fiction novels where the city is sieged and the enemy has finally broken though. A year and a half ago, I wouldn't have cared too much if anybody hacked into my msn account or computer, but now I've got fanfic. As much as I would like to just walk into school tommorow and tell everyone what I do in my spare time, to be honest, I don't have the guts to do it. There are people like my friends who I know will support me, and by friends, I mean the actual friends that I've known for years who've stuck by me, not the casual accquaintance "friends". I know there will be people who will whisper and hate me just simply for being who I am. I admit that I'm a coward and I will never have the strength to speak my mind in front of a crowd. I used to have a blog on Xanga but I stopped going on. I had to censor everything I put on it because I knew that people would read it and I was afraid of what they thought. I mean, I know there are people that read this blog, albeit not very many, but I don't know you guys personally and would most likely never meet you in person. I mean, there's so many scenes in "Last Summer" alone that would have them whispering. Is the goody-goody A-Student a ho? There's a whole load of posts in here that I would be uncomfortable sharing with some people. Fanfiction, internet, blogging, this is my personal space, a little (maybe not so little) place where I can speak my mind and not have to constantly censor myself. Its a place where I can be myself without worrying about what others think. Why must you take this away from me?

I know who the hacker is. Yes, if you're reading this, I know it was you. Since you've hacked into my files and probably read through them, I might as well tell you this. I can't believe I actually liked you. You decide to flirt with me as if we were dating one day and the next, I see you with anohter girl. All week, you decide to walk me to my locker, flirt with me, talk to me. Next, you tell your friend that you're hacking in revenge for me "annoying" you when you know perfectly well that I was never the one that initiated anything that could constitute as "annoying". You have been the one seeking me out. Thats what hurts the most. To know that I've wasted my time with someone like you when there were other guys more worthy of my time surrounding me and I was blind to all of that because I only had eyes for you.

The thing I don't understand is why do you have to do this to me? Are my judging skills so bad that I couldn't see that part in you? The irrational selfish part that likes to torment other people for your own pleasure? I'm disappointed in you, but I'm more disappointed in myself for succumbing to my weakness: you.

Valentines Day

Once again, its Valentines Day. As usual, it was boring, butttttttttt I made a list of Valentines Day fics/books/movies/other stuff. Though the list is pretty short since I'm having a brainblock right now and can't think

Links

http://www.factmonster.com/spot/valentines-day.html
Some family friendly G rated info about Valentines Day, kind of interesting though and in very simple language.

http://www.singlesawareness.com
Some anti-Valentines day people! Go Singletons!

Fics
I'm not gonna give links because I'm too lazy to find them.

On http://www.checkmated.com

Going Through The Motions by Slayerette
The Good Fight by Slayerette
Weight of the World by Slayerette
The Book of Morgan LeFay by lavenderbrown
The Final Reckoning by lavenderbrown
See Hermione Score by arios1
Fellytones and Fuzzy Slippers: A Love Story by TheTreacleTart
The Devil's Triangle by fresh pickled toad
Between Fantasy and Reality by jocjarmom


On http://www.thequidditchpitch.org

Sailing the Dark Ship by kjcp
War and Passion by RedBlaze
Fire and Ice by RedBlaze

On http://www.dracoandginny.com

Keeping Christmas on the Death Train by Anise
Along Came a Wizard by fallenwitch

On http://www.siye.co.uk

It Happened One Night by Sundevil05


Movies

The Notebook
Breakfast At Tiffany's
Titantic
Love Actually
Bridget Jones's Diary

Books

Songs of the Humpback Whale by Jodi Picoult
Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult
See Jane Score by Rachael Gibson
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Happy Valentines Day!

(or Singles Awareness Day if you prefer)

The Woes Of Love And IM

You would think that all the new gadgets would make it easier to connect with people (ahem the male species), but after years of using said gadgets, I have concluded that this is a big fat lie that corporate companies have been feeding us. Think about this: way back when, the only way to communicate someone without actually talking face to face with them was to to send a letter. When they don't reply, you have millions of excuses. The guy delivering your message could have ran off with the post thinking that you sent money. His horse might have broken its leg and in a strange and long winding turn of events, the letter was never delivered. The messenger might have met bandits on the road and was robbed of everything, including your letter. Even when we fast forward a couple of centuries into a more modern mail system, lots of things could still go wrong. Cars broke down, boats sank, if you sent the letter "postage collect", maybe the person you're sending the letter to didn't want to pay for the letter and decided to return it to the sender instead. Now fast forward through a few decades, maybe you would send a telegram instead. Of course, a million other things could go wrong. The telegraph operator could have misinterpreted the message you wanted to send, for some strange reason, some weird technical difficulty might have prevented your message from getting through. Or when the person delivering the telegram might have lost it for some strange reason. Now lets fast forward to telephones. When telephones were first invented, every time someone called in one house in the neighbourhood, all the phones rang. Every household had a special ring so you had to learn to recognize your ring. That person might not call you because they're shy and they don't want the whole neighbourhood knowing that there's something between you two and its way too easy for other people to eavesdrop on your conversation. Now lets fast forward to emails. You might not get a reply to your email because for some reason, it got lost in cyberspace, or that person doesn't check their email inbox. The point is, in all the above ways of communication, there's always some excuse you can make to yourself as to why that person isn't replying to you, but with instant messaging technology such as Windows Live Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, etc, there are no excuses you can make. You can see their status as clearly online and every time you message them and they don't message you back, you feel stupid and like you're obsessing over him or something.

As you can see, we were better off with the letters and the horses.

"I'd rather get rechargeble batteries..."

Ahh yesss, "Sex and the City", the single girl's T.V. friend(s), here to defend us against the violent Hallmark Valentines Day attack. The stormy sea of red cardboard hearts drowns our protesting cries of overcommercialism while Cupid's arrow decides to stab our lonely ass. However, I saw on the news the other day that Anti-Valentines day cards are now available at Carlton Cards, whaddya know? I tried googling for a picture of it but I couldn't find it...but I found this little gem:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/airport_sleeper/99466837/

Only three more days to go before its over, hang in there!

Canadian Idol

Walked past the long line of people lining up to audition for Canadian Idol today. It seemed that every fifteen steps or so I took in the mall, I walked past somebody with a number stuck on their back, a guitar in their hand, wallowing away at some tune while inwardly I shook my head and said "Man, you're not gonna make it." There was also a huge crowd watching the potential contestants line up and various news stations were there with their cameras. I guess everybody wants to be a star. I mean, sure you hear about the scandals and the tabloids with the unflattering pictures on the front page but at the same time you see the nice clothes, the great parties, the admirers... Enough to make anybody with no vocal talent to grab a guitar and belt out their shower tunes.

I Take It All Back...Gladly

Back when "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" first came out and everyone made a mad rush to the theatres to watch it, afterwards, as usual, the main discussion amongst the female population was the bath scene where Daniel Radcliffe is half naked. All my friends were going on and on about how great his chest looked and I absolutely disagreed, he looked scrawny and a bit too pale for my liking. I mean, he's a great actor and all but out of all the actors in the Harry Potter movies, Tom Felton is the best looking, hands-down. However, I find that my opinion was challenged when I saw this picture:

The picture here is a bit small so you can't really see but the stubble on his face and the chest... *drools*. I mean, the stubble sort of scratches if you're kissing the guy but I always think that guys look better with a little stubble. And the chest and toned arms...need I say more? I mean, I thought he just looked horrid when the OOTP promotional picture of him was released with the dorky haircut. It sounds really harsh but just look at this picture:

The two pictures look as if they're of two different people. Too bad "Equus" is only performed in London, or else I would go and watch it. All I can say is I take back all the comments I've ever made about Daniel Radcliffe lacking in the looks department. *drools over the other promo pics*

"Tyra Banks is Fat"

http://metromix.chicagotribune.com/news/celebrity/ktla-tyra,0,751970.story?coll=mmx-home_bottom_hedsh2o

Oh man. Do we really have to go there? From my years of shopping at Superstore and browsing the covers of various tabloids and magazines while I wait in the heiniously long lineups to the cashiers, I've seen all the pictures of the celebrities at their worst from"Mary-Kate Olsen in Rehab for Anorexia" to "Britney Spears With Celluite at Twenty-Two!". Then of course, next week, you see the exact same magazine print pictures of the same celibrity looking all glamorous on the red carpet and the headlines commenting on how great they look. I mean, its not like I'm sitting here with my great morals telling you how I'm sickened every time I hear about a scandal. I mean, I'm like everyone else, I can't help but subconciously rejoice when I hear about a "perfect" person screw up. However, hearing about the media go on about how Tyra Banks is fat sickens me. I mean, for God's sake, everyone's heard about America's Next Top Model and everyone has watched at least one episode despite what they tell you and pretty much everyone's watched the Tyra Banks's Show before. Why won't the tabloids ever think about how much of the female population looks up to Tyra Banks? She provides the model wannabes and people who are struggling with their body image that being thin isn't everything and that females have curves and thats natural. We're not supposed to look like sticks. I saw one of the episodes of her talk show about little girls who think they're fat and they're dieting before they've even learned how to spell the damn word. It just depressed me, you know? I mean, kids are supposed to be all innocent and stuff but look at Barbie dolls. Which girl hasn't wondered why she doesn't look like Barbie when she's playing with the doll? I mean, I certainly wondered why I didn't look skinny like that and still miraculously have boobs. I don't particularly admire Tyra Banks and I do think its slightly hypocritical of her to preach healthy body image when she used to be a model, someone that sells their looks for money and she hosts a modelling competition that is again, all about looks. However, I do admire the fact that she's made a decent effort into talking about body image with the whole wearing a fat suit to show viewers how prejudiced people can be to people who are overweight. Now how are the little kids going to look at this and her efforts in changing people's views towards their body? What kind of message are the tabloids trying to send?! For once, can't they shut up and pick on somebody that at least deserves to be picked on? I mean, if you want to plaster pictures of Lindsay Lohan drunk, I don't care.

Open-Closed Mind

So I saw in a newspaper today that Hilary Clinton was running for President in the United States and I remembered a conversation I had with someone a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about how the way people thought changed over time and prejudices about race and women changed. When you think about it, really it hasn't changed much. Think about politicians. How many are women? When David Emerson switched from the Liberal Party to the Conservatives after the Conservatives won the election, sure they called him a traitor and all but they didn't say he was "whoring" himself in the parliament the way the did when Belinda Stronach switched from the Conservatives to the Liberals. The Premier of Alberta commented that "Belinda Stronach never had a Conservative bone in her body except for one, if you know what I mean" referring to her ex-boyfriend that was also in the Conservative Party. I mean, alot of male Politicians have been involved in scandals, but the media just doesn't seem to judge them unfairly the way they judge women. Even in wages for common people. For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes sixty-seven cents. If a man isn't married by thirty-sixish or so and he has a great career, he's an eligable bachelor. If a woman was in the same situation, people tend to look at her as if she has some sort of problem for wanting to establish a career before having a family. Even my parents comment that "a girl shouldn't be this messy" or "even boys clean up more than you do".

Are we really open-minded? I somehow don't think so.

Vertigo and Lethargy

For some strange reason, for the last week or so, I've been feeling strangely drained. Sometimes, I would feel sort of dizzy for about five minutes, then feel somewhat normal and most of the time, I feel like falling asleep. When I'm at school, I'm just bored. I just can't seem to feel the fire and passion I've had in the previous years for learning and studying. When I'm at home, I want to get out because I can't stand listening to the sound of my parents yelling. When I'm out, window shopping is just pure torture because the thing with Christmas money is, its easy come, easy go. Also, once I'm out, my parents constantly call me on my cellphone once its past six o'clock to demand when I'm coming home. I've grown to hate my cellphone ringtone, the reason why I'm not changing it since I don't want to end up hating the Mozart ones on there. I can't even stand to hang around my friends since they just have to bring their boyfriends along and remind me of my messed up love life and since this year, this certain person has been barging into the group. I admit that I'm brutally straightforward. When I'm not talking to people in my group of intimate friends, I can sugarcoat everything and be fake, its not hard. When I'm with my close friends, I prefer to be real. To be honest, in the begining, I didn't think too much about her tagging along and I was just myself. Of course, she "isn't used to the way I am" and started obviously antagonising me and all my friends seem to be taking her side. I know there's all that stuff about real friends will stick by you and the only thing I know is the loner has no power and is therefore the scapegoat. Me, having read way too many historical fiction novels for a teenger definitely understands throwing a tantrum or acting out won't give me the upper hand in this situation. So now I have to act all civil and nice towards her even though I will never trust her based on both gut feeling and because I know of the female tendency to hold strong grudges. I can barely stand to go on my computer because I know I should work on "Last Summer" but I just can't seem to get the words out the way I want them to and when I can, only depressing angsty stuff comes out because I just can't seem to get fluffy light cute ideas.

Deep breath, inhale, exhale. Must not forget to breathe.

50 Greatest Canadian Inventions

http://www.cbc.ca/inventions/

On a sudden rush of patriotism, I decided to see just what the 50 greatest Canadian inventions were. Found a couple of interesting things. I never knew that the Wonderbra was a Canadian invention. In fact, I didn't even know what a Wonderbra was as I'm not a big fan of buying multiple, identical lingerie items in a box. Canadarm, the robotic attatchment on the International Space Station was number 14 on the list. The fattening Poutine was number 10.

No wonder we have a shortage of professionals in the medical field. We love Poutines too much to want to know about the artery disease risk and the Canadarm isn't nearly as important to us as increasing the plunge of our cleavages. The Wonderbra was number 5 on the list.

The list wasn't picked by a board of old geezers or anything. People voted according to the "things they couldn't live without."

A Touch of Nostalgia

The weather is really weird on the West Coast of Canada this year. Its snowing like crazy while on the East Coast, where they usually get the snow while we get the mild weather, are enjoying conditions of which its warm enough for guys to go out jogging in shorts without their shirts on. Meanwhile, we're bundling up in big puffy jackets, toques, scarves, and boots like some sort of fluffy present before leaving our electrically heated havens. It reminds of me of when I was little, back when I was four years old and under in Saskatchewan where it didn't just snow, it blizzared. (is that a word?) The weather was so cold that ice froze on the windowsills and I used to poke at the ice while I looked outside at the white blanketed landscape. I used to live in the capital, but even then it wasn't a big city. The same bus driver worked on the same bus route for years and people actually became friends by sitting next to each other on the bus. People seemed to be in just a little be less of a hurry than they are here and drove just a bit slower. We went to small privately owned stores most of the time instead of the huge corporate mega markets and chatted with the owners while we shopped.

At the same time, I remember alot of horrible things about being little. I remember the helplessness as I didn't know how to defy orders of obedience without being punished. Being short and tiny, the only power I had were the power of tears. I know I got my "resistance from tears" genes from my parents because of course, crying never bought me sympathy. At least, not the type of sympathy I needed. Now that I'm older, I realize that my parents yell at me and hit me/threaten to hit me when I cried when I was little was because they couldn't stand the sight of me doing that and they knew that if I continued crying, they would give in to me in the end and they didn't want to do that. But I've had enough experience when I was younger to know that tears must not be lightly shed. Each drop is shed with a plan, a strategy, at the right moment in the right circumstances to get what you want.

I guess I was never really innocent, eh? Always schemingly evil with no good intentions except to advance my own interests. Coldheartedness does start at an incredibly young age...