Siege

I've been hacked, both my computer and msn account was hacked yesterday. I feel like I'm in one of those historical fiction novels where the city is sieged and the enemy has finally broken though. A year and a half ago, I wouldn't have cared too much if anybody hacked into my msn account or computer, but now I've got fanfic. As much as I would like to just walk into school tommorow and tell everyone what I do in my spare time, to be honest, I don't have the guts to do it. There are people like my friends who I know will support me, and by friends, I mean the actual friends that I've known for years who've stuck by me, not the casual accquaintance "friends". I know there will be people who will whisper and hate me just simply for being who I am. I admit that I'm a coward and I will never have the strength to speak my mind in front of a crowd. I used to have a blog on Xanga but I stopped going on. I had to censor everything I put on it because I knew that people would read it and I was afraid of what they thought. I mean, I know there are people that read this blog, albeit not very many, but I don't know you guys personally and would most likely never meet you in person. I mean, there's so many scenes in "Last Summer" alone that would have them whispering. Is the goody-goody A-Student a ho? There's a whole load of posts in here that I would be uncomfortable sharing with some people. Fanfiction, internet, blogging, this is my personal space, a little (maybe not so little) place where I can speak my mind and not have to constantly censor myself. Its a place where I can be myself without worrying about what others think. Why must you take this away from me?

I know who the hacker is. Yes, if you're reading this, I know it was you. Since you've hacked into my files and probably read through them, I might as well tell you this. I can't believe I actually liked you. You decide to flirt with me as if we were dating one day and the next, I see you with anohter girl. All week, you decide to walk me to my locker, flirt with me, talk to me. Next, you tell your friend that you're hacking in revenge for me "annoying" you when you know perfectly well that I was never the one that initiated anything that could constitute as "annoying". You have been the one seeking me out. Thats what hurts the most. To know that I've wasted my time with someone like you when there were other guys more worthy of my time surrounding me and I was blind to all of that because I only had eyes for you.

The thing I don't understand is why do you have to do this to me? Are my judging skills so bad that I couldn't see that part in you? The irrational selfish part that likes to torment other people for your own pleasure? I'm disappointed in you, but I'm more disappointed in myself for succumbing to my weakness: you.