Why I Hate To Cry

Despite all the reports about how crying is healthy and it does actually feel good afterwards, I don't like crying. I guess its from when I was little and my parents would yell and me and hit me more if I started crying so I just learned to suck it up and hold it in. I hate how weak I feel when I get all choked up by sobs and the mountain of kleenex keeps piling up as I get all slobbery and I feel like sinking into a puddle. Like today, I know I shouldn't care about what other people think. But it hurts to think of these people holding their grudges because I disagreed with them and talking behind my back saying stuff like "I want to slap her [me] across the face" when every time they forget a line or stumble in a play, I was the one encouraging them. It makes me question why the hell I stayed in theatre company despite all the times I said I was quitting. Its so hard to stand on stage for hours during rehearsal and wonder whether I'm amongst friends or enemies. I felt like crying all day after I knew what these people were saying. Of course, the other part of me wanted to snap her fucking neck into two pieces but thats a whole other feeling. Finally, at home, talking to the only friend I could trust, I cried. I felt like a loser for crying, but I know that after the kleenex is cleared up and the tears are dried, I, once again, stand strong.