Little Miss Scary (or rather, INSANE)

Weeeeeeeee!!!!! After all these months of bottled up anger and stress, I think I've finally gone insane. Everything seems strangely emotional to me nowadays, even "Spongebob Squarepants" seems strangely touching. All the people that want to "look at my work" in socials class tempt me to throw a loud temper tantrum on the spot. All of a sudden, when I think about Theatre Company, I want to laugh. A friend pointed out to me a few days ago that we're all in Theatre Company because we need to mask our insecurities with being in the spotlight but once one of us actually gets the spotlight and the attention, we have to go about bringing that person down because we can't stand the idea of anyone but ourselves in the spotlight. Doesn't this seem funny? Deep inside, we're all a bunch of school yard bullies with attention-whore complexes. I spent most of today watching alternating episodes of "Prison Break" and "Sex and the City", two things that do not mix at all. While watching and even right now, I kept playing with my tape measure keychain, trying to see how long I can stretch the tape measure and then pulling the button back without getting lashed by the tape measure. Meanwhile I am also ignoring the fact that I have alot of homework to do and instead, am slacking off. I feel extremely blocked in terms of fanfiction right now and I feel almost like giving up. Today I spent hours in the mall testing various brands of foundation on my hand and trying out perfumes by spraying it on those little cardboard. The result: my hand smelled like alot of perfumes (primarily the Calvin Klein ones) mixed together. I felt like I was having a girly day out with myself.

If by now you're still reading this post, I think you realize that none of this makes any sense at all.

LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA

The Underappreciated Careers

The only thing I can say right now is that April sucks. I'm stressed, pissed off, and slightly sad. Thirty-two people died in a shooting at Virginia Tech, I am once again, going through my college/university options and career choices. In the midst of all this, I succumbed to my unhealthy habit of emotional eating, which led to my realization that one of the most admirable careers in the world was being a farmer. Even with modern technology and huge ass tractors instead of oxen and plow, being a farmer still isn't easy. You have to risk losing your crops to uncontrollable elements like the weather. The biggest reason for my admiration is that farmers are the ones who grow our food. You could be Bill Gates or the King/Prime Minister of Saudi Arabia, it doesn't matter. If you want your lettuce and tomatoes. If you want your bacon and eggs, you get it from the farmers. Despite all of this, my mental image of farmers has always been some guy in overalls, boots drenched in mud, pulling stuff from his field. What were my feelings towards a farming career? It seemed so... backwards and unambitious. Its like those movie cliches where the uneducated boy in plaid and overalls has a piece of straw or wheat or whatever it is hanging out of their mouth and start talking with a strange accent while sitting on top of a rusty old tractor. But I suddenly realized how important farmers were in my life. They don't exactly affect me directly but I have three meals a day (not including snacks) and the food definitely didn't appear spontaneously out of mid air. Of course, my parents paid cold hard cash for the food, but I still admire those farmers out there. I certainly can't imagine waking up at five in the morning to tend to my crops or anything like that. People go around thinking off all these professions that influence people: doctors, lawyers, politicians... Nobody ever thinks about the people who grow the food that the influential people eat to stay alive and be influential in the first place.

This led me to think about all the other underappreciated careers there are out there. What about garbage collectors? I never thought much about the neon orange/yellow vest wearing individuals who I notice pull by every now and then to pick up the garbage. (I live in an apartment so we have a garbage compactor, therefore there isn't the generic vision of the garbage man/woman pulling up to the front of my house and collecting the trash) A few summers ago, (now that I think of it, quite a few summers ago) the garbage collectors went on strike. I don't think it takes too much explaining to feel the agony of walking past an alley on a hot summer's day with the stench of weeks of garbage wafting over to you.

Oh no, I just heard on the news that the garbage collectors might be having a strike again! Just as the weather is growing warmer....

Now I'm completely off topic and should probably go back to working on my fanfic.

Weekend Store Hours

I really don't understand why stores close earlier on weekends. It makes no sense at all. I mean, weekends are when people don't have to go to work and therefore have more time to shop. Stores are open late on weekdays when people are too tired to shop after work or they have to go to sleep earlier because they have to wake up early the next morning. Doesn't it make sense to extend store hours on weekends? I mean, they would make so much more money by mall-lingering people like me who can spend the entire day at the mall. Well, I mostly window shop but that's not the point. This pretty much takes out half of the things one could possibly do on a weekend when staying out late. I mean, come on, this is ruining the country's economy here!!

Okay, fine, I admit it. The source of this frustration comes from me taking the goddamned CD-ROM/DVD drive to the store for an exchange/refund and finding it closed. ARGH!

The Computer Drama

God, if I can use my computer to crack open beers, maybe I'd feel a bit more mellow and less pissed off at this piece of crap. Before I go on any further, if you don't know already, I'm not exactly a computer expert and don't know much about computers beyond the basic stuff.

This horrid tale begins with my CD-ROM drive no longer functioning. Now my computer is a little more than five years old, but for some reason, it can't even play DVDs and I've been thinking of getting a DVD drive for a while anyways so this gave me an excuse to get a CD/DVD drive combo that all the new computers now have. So I skipped along to the neighbourhood Future Shop, a place where they over-charge you for the same metal crap you get everywhere else. Now I'm aware of the red-uniformed vultures (also known as salespeople) who prey on computer idiots like me. They had an internal drive for $60 and an external drive connected via USB cable for $70. Ohhhh the external drive, what a beautiful thing, what a wonderful thought! I must admit, my pulse quickened at the thought of not having to open up my computer and mess around with the inside, which always makes me uneasy. But... (there's always a but) the thought of paying seventy bucks is not a very appealing thought. So as usual, I asked around a few friends who were better with computers. They advised me to get an internal drive since it would be faster and to go to this store that sells everything factory-direct. So I went there today and got an internal drive for $25. I thought "This is great! Same product for a fraction of the cost!" Boy...this is where the trouble began. I have a HP Pavillion 7917 with its stupid goddamned plastic outercase and a spare space for an extra drive. So first, I started off with trying to take my original drive out. For some reason, one of the screws just wouldn't come out no matter which screwdriver I used. So I, I decided to put the new drive in the spare space. There's a metal covering in the spare space so I guess people won't accidentally stick things inside their computer. But getting that piece of metal out... I think the scratches on my hands and that splotch of blood that's still on the inside of the lid explains the story very well. Afterwards, I still couldn't stick the drive in because there wasn't enough room so I had to unscrew some things. So I stuck the drive in and screwed the rest of the components back in. I figured, finally, the easy part has come: installing the drive. Now this is the part where I think that whoever designed the packaging must have very low I.Q. THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL WAS ON CD-ROM!!! If my CD-ROM drive was working, I wouldn't need to buy another fucking drive, would I?! The drive can't read the CD-ROM if it hasn't been installed. So I opened hardware manager. It said there was something wrong with installation. So I figured maybe I plugged the wrong plug in or something, so I shut off my computer and opened it up again. After switching the plug, I turned on my computer and had to wait 15 minutes for my internet security suite to load so it would stop blocking all my attempts at modifying the computer's settings. I tried installing: same message, wouldn't install.

Three hours worth of installation attempts later: the same result.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Petty Revenge

This is my 100th post on this blog! Its not a particularly happy or deep and soulful post. It is a post of petty revenge that I have resisted until this day to act upon.

This is a picture of someone that I will call "Dick" for the purposes of protecting his identity despite how much he does not deserve it. Also, of course, the double meaning of the name gives you a sense of what his personality is like. No offense to any of you out there named "Dick". In my previous rants about Theatre Company and the Spring Play, I have mentioned the group of people determined to have their way and ignore other people's ideas. "Dick" is the ringleader. In the drama studio, there are quite alot of pictures of people in Theatre Company in various plays. I have quite a few pictures posted on the walls. The other day, I noticed that in almost all of my pictures, somebody took a sharpie and decided to blot out my face. My immediate emotions of course were rage and different methods of revenge ran through my mind. I knew that "Dick" and his "followers" did it. They are the ones that hang around the drama studio all the time and they are the ones who, when being reprimanded by the director, immediately demand to know from the people around if I was the one that said anything, as if I would sink to his level. After calming down slightly, I decided to take matters in my own hands, not in an act of revenge, but to look at the big picture. Sure, I could stay in Theatrre Company next year and endure all the little acts of petty revenge taken on me. I know my friends in Theatre Company really want me to stay and the director wants to as well. But I know that I will never be happy and be able to relax and have fun if I constantly wonder if people are talking about me when they split up into groups and talk. I could stay and "stick it out" for another year, but in the end, who wins? I'm the one that's going to be unhappy. Does it really matter so much who "wins"? If I'm happy, I know I've won. I'm not the one that has to scrap for the spotlight on stage to get attention. I walk with my head high and know I can shine no matter where I go. As for the picture? My little act of petty revenge, returning the favour of what he had done to me. Only this picture is plastered on the internet for all to see...

That felt good.

A Good Christian Girl

Despite the picture, this is not a post mocking religion or anything like that.

During one of the heiniously long Theatre Company rehearsals the other day, I was talking to one of my friends (he's a guy) about various things and both of us were the type of people that don't find it very awkward to discuss sex and stuff like that. So we were talking about reading smut and watching porn and he said with a half-surprised tone, "I thought you were a good church-going Christian girl." Even though he didn't say it seriously, that line stuck in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it and I suddenly felt like a very, very bad person. I felt like I was slandering the religion by being such a bad representation of Christianity. It striked me all of a sudden that my confused emotions towards religion was not because of certain beliefs of the church that I go to, the problems come from me. All along, I was just looking for the excuse to allow myself to break all the commandments in the Bible. I realize that just because I disagree with one belief from my church doesn't mean I should stop following the basic beliefs of Christianity. It doesn't making okay for me to be selfish or to lie. I never stopped believing that God existed in the first place, I was too lazy and weak to follow His rules.
This also lead to another thought: how did I get from the "cooties" stage of childhood to enjoying being...sexual. I remember the nurse coming in to talk to us about sex and condoms in grade five. I couldn't imagine anybody wanting to have sex. Having somebody stick the place where they pee into my "private part" didn't sound very enjoyable at all. I couldn't imagine my parents having sex. Surely there must be some other way of making babies besides having sex, right? Masterbating... why would anyone do that? Mom always says that its dirty "down there" and you should only touch it with your hands when you clean it. Having sex before marriage?! Out of the question! Everyone knows only bad people do that! Now that I look back on how I used to see these things, I feel that I've both grown up and have lost my touch of innocence. I feel a little sad when I look back. The boundaries of good and evil seemed so much clearer back then.
Now this lead on to a thought about morals. (yes, I obviously have no life, therefore I have alot of time to ponder about things) Where does our sense of conscience and morals come from anyhow? Christians get it from the Bible, from the ten commandments. Stealing, lying, and cheating on your lover is bad becuase God tells us so. Then where do the atheists get their conciences from? If concience is something that is instilled in us since the moment we are born, I think that is a sign that God is truly with every one of us.

Am I a good Christian girl? I think I know the answer to that one. Do I want to be a good Christian girl? Maybe that is truly the question I need to ask myself.

Determination Versus Bravery

Sometimes, I wonder if its braver to suck it up and stay in an unpleasant situation or just to walk away and give up. If you stay, you're suffering, but its familiar routine. If you quit, sometimes you find yourself missing the old familiar routine and some fun aspects of it that you didn't realize was there before. But it takes bravery to stand up and leave a familiar enviornment behind. Then you have all these sayings like "Winners never quit, quitters never win". I guess I'm one of the losers in between like the picture above; constantly halfway between quitting and continuing on. Always wanting to take the stairs to the fitness centre but ending up on the escalators anyways.

*sigh*