Thursday, August 31, 2006

Summer's End

Back when I first started volunteering in the beginning of summer, I genuinely hated it. I hated the kids. They wouldn't listen to me, I couldn't get them to listen to me and I just didn't know what to do with them. I didn't know the rest of the volunteers, they all seemed like one big group of friends and I was always the outsider. But as time went on and I got to know everyone better, I actually grew to like volunteering. Its kind of weird, because I used to see it as a job now its more of something I do to have fun. Now its the last day and I feel kind of sad. There's something about summer that let's you go just a bit crazier, do something you've always wanted to do but was too scared to do it. Summer isn't about rigid schedules and commitments. Summer's about freedom and maybe...love. But the most important thing about summer is that there's always a bit of it inside of us, underneath the layers of winter and responsibility. Its always there, always has been, and always will be.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Friday, August 25, 2006

One Year Of Fanfiction Writing

Whadya know? I just noticed that today, I have officially been a member of HPFF for one year. Of course, I was reading fanfiction for at least a month before that, but it seems so weird that I've done it for a year now. It doesn't feel like that long and I actually haven't read fics at HPFF for awhile. I can't believe I've been a somewhat obsessive HP fan for over a year. I mean, I've always been a fan of the books but it wasn't until after HBP out and I discovered fanfiction that I really began to switch from ordinary fan mode to obessive mode.

Yes, obsession is very unhealthy.

Ah well, might as well say happy birthday to my fanfiction while I'm at it.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Woes of Technology

Seventy dollars, thirty minutes of installation, hours of virus/spyware scanning later, my computer is now completely clean thanks to Internet Security Suite. Its not protected with firewall, unfortunately, this means that my internet connection is currently three times slower than before and it wasn't that fast to begin with. And I can't sign into my msn messenger account even after adjusting the program settings on firewall.

How I hate technology.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Back To School?!

I just realized that I only have sixteen days of freedom before I am once again enslaved to homework.

This can't be happening! Summer can't be over so quickly, I haven't even done anything exciting yet!

Nooooooooo!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Angry Angry Angry

I need three software programs soon or else I think I'm going to bash my head against my monitor and die from a combination of frustration induced heart disease, anger induced cancer, and bleeding from the head from the head bashing.

I need:
  • Some sort of Anti-Virus software
  • Adobe Photoshop (legal)
  • Microsoft Office

Unfortunately, it will cost me about six hundred dollars combined if I include tax. I don't exactly have that type of money lying down. In fact, I'm flat broke from summer shopping/spending, I was planning to save money by surfing the net as entertainment.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

You Tube

Haha, I discovered a new source of online entertainment during the last couple of days at http://www.youtube.com. I love watching the Draco/Hermione fan videos, its so cool how people make it seem like they're smiling at each other when really they're on seperate sides of the room. Though I've seen at least three videos using a GOF DVD "Behind the Scenes" special with Tom Felton and Emma Watson dancing as part of their video clips. Speaking of DVD video clips, there are actually alot of Special Feature clips people have uploaded. I didn't get the GOF DVD yet because I'm waiting for the price to go down...I couldn't resist the temptation of free entertainment. There's also alot of funny home videos people have uploaded online. Too bad my slow internet connection takes like thirty minutes for one video to buffer.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Ramble

Yes, I feel very pissed/depressed right now. Yes, I seem to be feeling like this alot these days. I can feel a headache coming up, I just don't feel like thinking reasonably. I hate logic alot right now, I don't feel like being the person with all the answers or being dependable. Because if I'm one of these, I will always let someone down, someone will always be disappointed in me, someone will always be dissatisfied. The same way I am never satisfied with what I have, the same way I always want something more, something better. No matter what time it is, what happens, I'm never in charge of my life. I'm always obligated to duty, people, morals, rules. I like to see these things on other people. I want the people I can always trust to stay that way, I don't want criminals running loose, at the same time, I want to break free. Its not possible, I know that. I know its not even reasonable for me to want more. I know people starving, dying in Africa should deserve to break free. Children living with abusive parents should deserve to break free. Wives living with abusive husbands deserve to break free. People dying, suffering from deadly illnesses deserve to break free. Not people like me. Not people who haven't done any good for the world or cared very much for people other than ourselves. Perhaps, if I was given the chance to help someone break free, I would give it to someone else that deserves it. In only that could I ever possibly redeem myself for everything that I shouldn't have done and the things that I should have done, but never did. Maybe life is fair. I act like a bitch, people bitch at me. But if I don't do this, people will walk all over me. This goes back to Machivelli's (sp?) theory: Its better to be feared than loved, because people won't oppose a leader out of fear, but there will always be someone not satisfied with a leader they love. I want to be the person everyone loves, but I know that people take advantage of you when you're nice. Sometimes, thinking feels painful. I end up doing more harm than good by trying to figure out my problems. Ignoring them doesn't exactly do a lot of good. My mind feels really cluttered, I just can't get the general feeling of sadness out of myself. I don't think I even deserve to feel sorry for myself. Then what is it that I deserve? Punishment or reward? Most of all, what is it that I want?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Far Away

I'm not even a Nickelback fan, but I really like this song. Haha, I was on http://www.songmeanings.net today and everyone seems to have a sob story that relates to the lyrics of a love song. I don't know if people are making it up or if there are really that many sad people out there. Anyways, the lyrics:


This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

One my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

I hate the music video though, it doesn't even relate to the song.

I Need Anti-Virus

Arghhh, there's some stupid virus on my computer, whenever I use the internet, after about a half an hour, the task bar and Start button disappears, reappears three seconds later with all my windows rearranged in different order. Then, two hours later, the screen will flicker and suddenly it will say that I'm offline, but my internet is still connected and it won't let me disconnect so I can start over. So I have to restart my computer. I tried downloading an anti-virus software this morning and it won't install, I don't know whether its my computer or the crappy software. I would dish out seventy dollars to get Norton Anti-virus, but I'm flat broke. I spent so much money in the past month just going out and shopping. Looks like I'm going to have to beg my parents for money or ask my friends to lend me their anti-virus software. Neither option sounds very appealing at all. At the moment, I really hate my computer and the internet.

Monday, August 14, 2006

The Meaning of Life

Just a few minutes before, my computer decided to crash again and I just flopped down onto my bed in frustration. Twice in two days, I felt like shit. Then I had a sudden thought, is this how my life is? My happiness depending on a machine? What is the meaning of life anyways? To fall in love? To help others? To change the world? Who am I? What do I want? What is my purpose on this planet? Am I causing harm or good? Have I left my imprint on this Earth so that my life has not been lived in vain? Do I have a place in someone's heart that will never be erased? Have I succeeded in my goals yet? Do I even have goals?! Where is my life heading? Will I be able to look back to my life as I feel life draining away from me and honestly say I'm proud of what I accomplished? Have I found my meaning of life?

My head is going to explode.

Evolution

I know this is very nerdy of me, but I always wondered how it must have felt for neanderthals (sp?) when evolution first started. I mean, it might have started off with the baby with the slightly weird chin, then that baby grows up and has a kid with the same chin. At first, the odd chin is shunned from the rest of the clan, then eventually as time goes past, everyone in the clan has the weird chin. But what about the initial fear of the first guy with the weird chin? He must have felt like a freak at first, but eventually the weird chin must have helped him survive. (don't ask me how) while the "normal chin" people died out. So are we still evolving today? You hear of these babies born with weird, almost mutated functions (or perhaps a product from me watching too much X-Men) could it be that they're evolving? Could it be that someday, a new species of humans will walk the Earth and Homo Sapiens Sapiens will become extinct? Will there be archeologists studying our remains and houses? Will my diary be placed into a museum? They'll probably talk about our primitive wedgy alphabet and they'll probably think that braces are some sort of rank distinguishing jewelry and lockers will be coffins and shopping malls will be regarded as palaces. Computers will be some sort of shrine placed in people's homes. I mean, its entirely possible that we think people before us had primitive cultures but maybe they didn't and its just the way we're interpreting it.

Well, what a surprise. The rambling nerd strikes again!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Ikea Furniture

There's always a love/hate relationship between me and Ikea. I always look forward to their catalogues and I love going there to try all the furniture out. The displays always seem to be perfect, all the rooms with different themes. There are warm toned kitchens that I can imagine a mother making pancakes for her sons in the morning while they scramble and wolf down their breakfast before going off to school. There are living rooms where I can imagine a happy couple cuddling, surrounded by glowing candles while its snowing outside. There are bedrooms where I can imagine me sitting there, dreaming of the future, myself, and everything else about life. Theres something about the lighting, or the happy laughing people in the pictures of the catalogue that make me feel almost envious. I want to be laughing with my family in a nicely decorated room. I want my house to have that clean, soft white light they always have in catalogues and air refreshener commericals. It seems so picture perfect, I almost feel like photoshopping myself into one of the Ikea catalogue photos. I suddenly feel very pathetic as I'm jealous of a furniture company's catalogue with names of furniture that I can never pronounce with stores that are simply too easy to get lost in. Sickeningly pathetic.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Pride and Prejudice vs. Ron/Hermione

Just found this fan video. The Pride and Prejudice fan and Ron/Hermione shipper within me begged me to click on the link. I wasn't disappointed. It even features Harry as Mr. Collins and McGonagall as Mrs. Bennet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sge5pUSJIRY

Forums

I've been on a couple of forums and I have accounts in a few places and I've been on the internet for a while, but all this time, I've only been on the popular sites, the popular forums. So today, I decided to have a look at those forums with extremely few members and virtually no hits. I felt kind of sad going through forums with only five members, twenty posts, and the most members they've ever had online was two. I've always liked the idea of starting a forum where I'm the head admin and I have full control over the content of the boards, I set the rules, I can ban people, etc. But now, I don't think I'm ready for something like that. I mean, to start off with, I would need a group of people I trust to be staffers and help moderate. I don't like to go on forums where I discuss things with people I know personally, because that would be somewhat pointless. If I wanted to discuss something with them, I could always call them. So I would have to rely on e-friends. Unfortuantely, I don't know that many people on the internet and I don't want to rely on random strangers to help me. Also, I would probably have to be somewhat familiar with coding systems to help the boards run properly. And there's the biggest issue of them all. In order for a forum to be effective, I would obviously need members. Judging by the number of boards I saw today with less than ten members, I doubt that any forum I create would be a success. *Sigh* maybe someday...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Old Fashioned Chivalry

For some reason, I always find the vision of being able to lean on a guy and cry on his shoulder while he strokes my back very comforting. The vision is always in black and white, I can never see his face, I can only hear his voice. I know that people say chivalry is so old fashioned, annoying, sexist. But sometimes, I find it kind of sweet. I do admit that I'm a bit of a feminist, I believe that females can do anything males can, (With the exception of certain bodily functions of course) but admit it. If you had to pay for a guy's dinner on a date, you would be pissed and wouldn't want to go out with him ever again, right? If a guy paid for your dinner, you wouldn't mind. I think its a really nice feeling sometimes. Just the arm around you, the jacket when you're cold and you can still feel his body heat on the jacket against your skin, letting you go in first when he opens the door. Its almost politeness that I rarely see on some guys. Chivalry is the only way where they won't be afraid to actually act somewhat polite and not be viewed as a wimp. The only chivalrous thing I wouldn't like is the whole hankerchief thing. Thats just gross. Its like offering someone a used tissue. However, I suppose that could be replaced with a pack of tissues. Anyways, I don't think chivalry is dead...at least, I hope not.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

My Adventure in the Self Help Section

So the other day I was in Chapters and I walked past the Self Help book section, I was pissed off and felt slightly depressed for no apparent reason other than I couldn't sleep very much for the entire week and was really tired, so I figured, maybe I should read some books "that will help me help myself."I found the book titles really weird, almost no creativity needed. It was good in a way that everything was simple, the book is what the title says it is. Its not like books in any other genre where they have weird titles that have you wondering what they're about. I mean there's all these "How to be Happy," "Ten Steps To a More Successful Life," as I read these titles, I wondered if the authors actually used their own advice. I mean, would they really go and talk to people they hated and resolve the conflict? Its like those advice columns in magazines, the only advice they usually give is for you to talk to the person, but the thing is if the person who needed advice could actually talk to the person, they wouldn't have needed to write for advice in the first place. Sometimes, I wonder if advice is a good thing or a bad thing. Its true that an outsider's perspective could usually give some insight to a problem thats harder for the person in the conflict to realize, but the person giving advice isn't living the life of the person with the problem. Everyone's life has their own set of dramas, which is why I'm very reluctant to give advice to people. I'm always scared that I'll ruin their lives in some way if I give them my crappy advice. So in the end, I didn't end up reading/buying any of the books, (though I did flip through a couple of pages of one of the body language ones and I found it slightly amusing that the way I sat was sending sexual signals all along. However, that was how I discovered the book wasn't accurate as I have a very non-existant love life at the moment.) I went volunteering, excercised alot, and fell dead asleep last night, sleeping at least ten hours in a row.

Sometimes, its best not to overthink problems, the solution for me was simple all along. I just needed to get more excercise and to get out and do something.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

More Computer Troubles

My internet wouldn't connect yesterday and for the most of today until a half an hour ago. I finally realized that the 'Help and Support Centre' on my computer never has solutions that actually solves the problem. So I sit in front of my computer all frustrated that I can't connect to the internet and soon even Limewire starts freezing on me and I can't even listen to music to calm myself down. I try calling my internet service provider, but the line is always unavailable or there's nobody to answer the call so I have to leave a message. What kind of customer hotline doesn't have call waiting?! What kind of crappy service is that?! I want to swtich my internet service provider!! I wanted to yell at the customer service people so badly even though I know its not their fault, but I couldn't even connect to there. I was so relieved when for some mysterious reason, it started working again. I never got a response from the customer service people. But I logged onto my HPFF account and found out that chapter 14 of Last Summer has been validated and I got 19 reviews in my inbox. That cheered me up a little, though I was quite amused when I was watching MTV Cribs while my internet wasn't working and they were showing this BMX rider's house. The guy thought Crystal Light was Cristal. He didn't get why people say Cristal is so expensive when he got a six pack of Crystal Light for three dollars. Sadly, he doesn't realize that Cristal is expensive because its champagne. This proves that just because he's rich, doesn't mean he necessarily knows more about extravagance than the rest of us.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Computer Problems

Argh, my computer is acting up again. Its been doing this for the past three days. In the beginning, everything is fine, after maybe an hour or so, the screen suddenly flickers and my start button and the bar disappears for about a minute. Then it reappears and all my windows are scrambled in different order. So everything is fine again, after another hour, the same thing happens except this time, the start button and the bar don't appear again and all of my desktop icons have disappeared too. The msn window that pops up when someone on my contact list signs in or I get a new email pops up in the upper left hand corner of the screen instead. The next day, when I turn on my computer, everything is fine again. I think I have some virus or spyware on my computer. Sometimes I really hate technology. Actually, its a bit more of a love/hate relationship between me and my computer. When everything works fine, I love it to bits, when it messes up on me like right now, I want to throw a brick at the monitor even though I know the hard drive is the one really at fault.

Running in Circles

There's something about hobbies that I've noticed. It seems that all our hobbies involve filling up some inner void that we have. For example, I like to read, because my life isn't terribly exciting and reading allows me to have adventures. I like to go on the internet, because I won't be able to feel degraded or left out with people that I've never met and alot of those people have never met each other as well. I'm fond of pretty things, because I don't feel beautiful very often. But sometimes I feel that by running from my emotions in life and putting them into hobbies, I seem to be running in a circle and in the end, feelings of despair are still lingering behind and it actually feels worse than when I face these feelings in real life. Its like after all this time spent 'enjoying' myself, feeling good that I'm just as good as anyone else, it all seems to fade as time goes by. Every problem as a flaw that becomes its solution and every solution has a flaw that could possibly prevent the problem from being solved. There seems to be no ultimate solution to problems and all I can do is use these temporary escape solutions and the negative feelings seem to get bigger like a snowball rolling down a hill covered with snow. In the end I still feel stupid, unworthy, and ugly. Sometimes I ask myself why I bother still trying to run away and deal with people who are obviously not nice no matter how much they try to appear to be or why I try to still do things to make myself feel good when in the end, I just end up feeling like a failure. I end up feeling really mad at these people I deal with from a combination of hatred and jealousy. Then, I seek out some other solution to these problems and in the end I still feel the same way. I think that maybe its time I leave this world of internet and go out in the real world, try some more new things instead of being who I know I will never be satisfied being and try to enter circles of friendships I know I will never fit into.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Love as a choice?

Can you choose you you fall in love with? This is probably one of the most common themes in romance. I mean, look at Romeo and Juliet, if Romeo had a choice, he wouldn't have been stupid enough to put himself in the agony of being in love with the daughter of a rival family and vice versa. The idea of love being something that you can't control, some force in the world beyond anyone's understanding is extremely romantic of course. The whole thing with a kiss being more powerful then lets say, a gunshot. But then of course, you have all the religious people walking around saying that you can choose who you love, therefore if you marry someone who is not in the same religion as you, thats a sin, and if you decide to fall for someone of the same sex, thats a sin. But the thing is, if love really is a choice, why would anyone be stupid enough to choose to torture themselves? Why would we choose to fall for someone that we know will neve return our feelings? Why do we get stupid crushes? Why wouldn't we just give up on love all togther? Might as well end the agony and complications and be free. Yes, we won't get the wonderful feeling of love but in exchange, we won't have to risk suffering. I'm sure there are alot of people out there who will gladly choose to give up love if that was possible. What about all those extremely ambitious people out there who want to succeed and will stop at nothing to accomplish their goals? Surely they wouldn't want to have a soft spot hindering their progress. I mean, even Hitler had a wife. I don't remember too correctly but I think they had a small, private cermony after the Germans surrendered and then commited suicide together. Something like that. I mean, Hitler would probably have chosen not to love if given the choice since bestowing his feelings on someone would give him a weakness that his enemies can use against him. They may kidnap her in exchange for his power, or he may have to use a lot of security to protect her, therefore weakening his own security. Or, she may try to talk him out of his plans, and he might soften in her emotions and give into her demands. But of course, religious people always tend to drag out Lucifer/Satan/The Devil, saying that he's influencing our subconcious. Though I tend to think that it would make more sense for the devil to offer us some sort of anti-love treatment since alot of religion is saying that God is love. So wouldn't it be smarter to do that and drive us away from God instead of making us fall for the wrong (wrong being defined as people disapproved by our religion) people? Religion and logic are two things that seem to continuously drive me crazy. Must stop thinking so much...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Out of Shape

I seriously need to excercise more. I went biking for a half an hour this morning and my legs already feel rubbery, and part of the distance was downhill too. But I guess I also went uphill alot so that makes me feel a little better. I think I'll try biking everyday, everyone always says that exercising releases endorphins (sp?) and I do feel alot more relaxed after biking. The unfortunate part is I still have to spend at least two hours playing sports with kids during volunteering and unless I somehow magically erase the soreness of my limbs in a few hours, I'm going to be so dead.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Rant

So I'm wallowing in self pity right now and I'm fucking pissed at the whole world, so what? What right do all these non-teenage beings have to criticise me when they do exactly the same? So I'm supposed to be thinking about all the dying and starving people in Africa instead of dwelling on my pity issues? I do think about them and how sad it is that they're starving, but that doesn't mean you have to take away my self-pity rights. Its bad enough that I have to try and not feel like a fucking idiot 24/7, but all these 'mature' people out there have to take a way my self-pity rights. These are basic human rights, right after the right to eat and sleep. No one has the power to tell me to stop doing this. You call sitting in front of the T.V. on Valentines day drinking vodka, eating chocolates, and watching sappy romance movies while complaining about the commercialization of Valentines not self pity? You call masterbating in front of a poster of a supermodel while telling your friends at work that you've had a good fuck over the weekend not denial and self pity all mixed into one package? If one of you can honestly tell me that you have never felt sorry for yourself, then I will stop this self pity and bow down on my knees to you. People always go around saying that teenagers are so disrespectful and stupid and a smudge on the beautiful window of society, but maybe you should all think about respecting us first and actually trying to treat us as people and not overgrown, dangerous toddlers. What about fairness for a change? I'm always too young when I ask for something, but I should always take responsibility because I am now too old to rely on my parents when it comes to them wanting me to do things for them. I come home from school with six fucking A's on my report card and nobody even cares. God, I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm not that stupid, I can tell when you're trying to side step things. I don't even know why I even bother spending all the time doing my homework and actually trying when at the end of the day, I'm still the bitch and the brat. There's all that bullshit about letting your parents down, but whats the fucking point about trying not to do that when they routinely tell me that I let them down anyways? There's no point in trying anyways, no matter how hard I try, they'll never be satisfied. Respect in this fucking house is about how much housework you do. If you clean the toilet, you're the queen of the world. Who cares about the A's? But if you come home with a C in math, its 'you have to spend more time on your schoolwork, don't go on the computer all the time.' Its bad enough that I have to feel like a pathetic loser in front of all those bitches out there, I don't need that at home too. You know what happened on my fifteenth birthday? I came home from school, all happy that all my friends took the time to wish me happy birthday, buy me presents, and surprise me with food even though I didn't have a party. I have this fucking science project due so I spent four hours slaving in front of the computer, then when I finally decide to relax and go on the internet a bit, I am fucking bitched at. Its on my birthday and I can't even have a little fun. By fun, I'm not talking about chugging beer, or getting stoned, I'm just going on the internet and I'm not talking about normal 'bitching.' Its yelling and screaminng and threats that I'm going to get hit if I don't turn the computer off this instant. Its my fucking birthday and I'm yelled/screamed at probably so damn loud that the neighbours probably heard. I spent the rest of my birthday holed up in my room crying while watching Bridget Jones's Diary. One of the worst birthdays ever and I can't even cry to my friends on the phone about it because they won't understand. I'm so jealous of one of my friends, she tells me that she has this ritual with her dad and every night before she goes to bed, she would chat with her dad for a bit and then her dad would tuck her in and she trusts her dad so much. She says that she believes whatever fact her dad tells her. It may sound like she's naive to you but I'm so jealous. I want to be like that, I want to think of my dad as my hero and think whatever he says is right. Maybe I can't have that much but bottom line I want to at least feel respected. I don't want to be called a piece of trash or constantly have my faults listed in front of me. Its bad enough that I don't know who I want to be or what I want and I'm finding all this so confusing and I always seem to be less perfect than someone else, it seems like I can never win in this game. To top that, my parents aren't even taking me seriously. Do you think I've honestly never tried to talk to them about respect, feelings, etc? They just think I learned the speech somewhere or I copied it from some movie. I'm so sick of being lied to, ridiculed, and yelled at. All I want is some time to figure out who I really am and what I really want, is that too much to ask for?